February 2008 – Possibilities

Praying daily with the scriptural guide “Speak Lord, Your Servant is Listening” was a great way to start the new year. As promised, I did find myself at peace with my very first reading. And I took to heart Father Ron’s assertion that “praying is never a waste of time.” I had just read an article about a woman who considered herself to be in a “ministry of prayer”, and I decided to take up this ministry too. In addition to the scriptural meditations, I prayed daily for others as well as for myself. It seemed to be working, too; I was no longer consumed with fears for the future. So even as the January skies turned their typical Michigan grey, my disposition was a lot sunnier than it had been right after Christmas.

I was once again excited about the prospects before me. I had planned to visit my younger daughter on the west coast at the beginning of February, and would then search for meaningful volunteer position upon my return. I had already started volunteering as a substitute Meals on Wheels driver, which was fun and rewarding, but I was sure that God’s mission for me involved more than just delivering pre-packaged food to homebound seniors for a couple hours a week.

Shortly after I booked my flight in early January, I got a despondent call from my mother-in-law. She’d been complaining of unexplained weight loss, fatigue, and insomnia for the past few months, though she’d looked reasonably healthy at Christmastime. She’d even taken a trip to visit a relative overseas in the fall, and had done splendidly. Now she was calling to ask if I could drive her to the doctor, because she felt too ill to drive herself.

I was quite unprepared for the sight my mother-in-law presented that day. Even though she was nearly 80, she never failed to do her hair and make-up each day, and her expression typified the image of the feisty old lady. Now she looked ashen and haggard, not to mention defeated. As we rode to the doctor’s office, she told me that she’d completely lost her appetite, that she became nauseous when she forced herself to eat, and she was barely able to sleep. She said she’d never felt this terrible in her entire life, and I had to admit, I’d never seen her look that bad in the 35 years I’d known her.

In the doctor’s waiting room Mom confided her deepest fear, that she had the same type of cancer her husband had died from nearly twenty years ago. Watching him slowly slip away was an ordeal that was still vivid in her mind, and now she was experiencing many of the same symptoms.

Fortunately, the doctor’s opinion was not that bleak. She offered several possible causes for Mom’s ailments, with complications from her diabetes being the most likely. She ordered blood work and numerous medical tests, and assured us that she would get to the bottom of the problems. Driving home, I could see that Mom already looked more vibrant, and I knew that worry was one reason she looked so wretched earlier in the day.

Our conversation was a little more cheerful on our return trip. However, when I mentioned my upcoming vacation, Mom was clearly agitated. She told me she wished I weren’t going, so I could stay in Michigan and be with her until they figured out what was wrong. I assured her that I wasn’t going for another four weeks, and the doctors would certainly solve the puzzle of her illness by then.

But in the following weeks, the doctors were still not able to offer a diagnosis, and Mom’s spirits plummeted. Soon I was driving her to all her medical appointments, cooking her dinners, helping her bathe, and doing light housework. She slept little and had even less energy, but at least she was able to eat a little bit without getting sick. She seemed to do best with my chicken soup, which I cooked for hours so that the meat and vegetables were very tender. She also did well with beef soup and lamb stew. Though the thought of eating didn’t appeal to her at all, she was able to take some nourishment each day and keep it down.

As the month drew to a close, I realized that I could not leave my mother-in-law at this time. I was very bummed. I had so looked forward to getting out of Michigan in my least favorite month of the year. This development was also putting a crimp in my timeline for finding my mission from God. Of course, it did occur to me that perhaps caring for my mother-in-law was my true mission. This thought depressed me even more. I had envisioned myself helping the down-trodden, or perhaps writing for a non-profit organization, not making pots and pots of chicken soup and driving to countless medical appointments, where it seemed like The View was always playing in the waiting room.

Reluctantly, I canceled my flight arrangements, and called my daughter to see when I might reschedule my trip. Carrie told me she was starting a class in March, so we tentatively planned for a late February visit. I continued to pray for a speedy recovery for Mom, so she would no longer suffer through restless days, sleepless nights and constant worry. A speedy recovery also meant I could get on with my own agenda: vacationing, finding a meaningful volunteer experience, and ultimately discerning God’s plan for me.