January 2008 – To Listen to the Lord

Perhaps it was just the post-Christmas doldrums; perhaps it was the pressure I was putting on myself to do something meaningful after the holidays. But whatever prompted the sudden return of my anxiety, I didn’t want to just wait around and see if it got better. I knew that the doctor would be of no use; it hadn’t waited for the requisite six months, and besides, I had decided not to go the pharmaceutical route. I could try calling my husband or a friend, but I really didn’t want to bother anyone at work. My thoughts turned to the jovial priest who had been so kind to me during my confession at the Advent retreat. I didn’t know if the Passionist priests did personal counseling, or how soon Father could meet with me if they did. But I figured just calling the retreat center was a positive step.

When I reached St. Paul’s, I asked to speak with the priest who gave the homily at the retreat. I didn’t remember his name at that time, but I knew he had described himself as ‘the short one’, so I did the same. The receptionist knew exactly whom I meant, and in a few moments I was speaking with Father Ron himself. He told me that he would be happy to meet with me, and we set up an appointment for a few days later.

In Father’s inviting, book-filled office, I poured out my life story and described my recent angst. I told him that I had originally been convinced that God was calling me to retire and carry out His mission for me, but now I suspected that this was just a rationalization for leaving my stressful job. Though I’d never thought of myself as being materialistic (frugal, perhaps, but not greedy), I now found myself consumed with thoughts of money, or my imagined lack of the same. Terry and I had spent many years at the bottom of our pay scales before we both started earning good incomes, and now I felt I was foolish to have given up that income in exchange for a pitifully small pension. And even though I’d produced a long list of edifying and creative endeavors to fill my retirement hours, none of them seemed to interest me at the moment. I couldn’t even find a volunteer activity that appealed to me. I’d been looking through the Michigan Catholic, our church bulletin, and a web-based volunteer match site, but nothing seemed to click. In the fall I’d been intrigued with a post-abortion counseling organization called Project Rachel, but I’d called them twice and never received a return call from the program office. So if God really did have a mission for me, He sure wasn’t making it easy to find.

Father listened attentively, and when I finished my woeful tale, he offered several insightful observations:

• Was it a coincidence that my first doubts surfaced on the eighth day after I’d accepted the early retirement offer? Where else have we seen a reference to ‘the eighth day’? Just as Adam and Eve’s world began on the eighth day of God’s creation, so too my new world was just beginning.

• If I had felt that God was calling me, then to doubt it now was actually an insult to God. He told me not to second-guess myself, but to believe in the call I had heard.

• My obsession with money was most likely a passing thing, an outgrowth of self-doubt. He mentioned a few scriptural references to divine providence (for example, the Lilies of the Field passage in Mathew 6:27-29). He asked me if I believed that God would provide me with all that I need, and I had to admit that I do believe this.

• The fact that I couldn’t seem to motivate myself to do anything but work around the house and pray was not necessarily a bad thing. As I had stated, both had been long overdue. And even if I prayed for several hours a day (which I could certainly not imagine doing!), praying is never a waste of time.

Father asked me if I’d ever tried contemplative scriptural prayer, and I told him I had not. He walked over to one of his bookshelves, searched for a moment, and then said “Here it is.” He handed me a book called Speak Lord, Your Servant Is Listening by David E. Rosage. Father explained that the book was a guide to using the scriptures to hear what God is telling us through His word. He told me to try this method of prayer in my search for a deeper relationship with God.

Once again, I left St. Paul’s feeling hopeful and refreshed. As soon as I got home I read the introductory chapters of the prayer guide. The procedure for using book was first to read the designated scripture passages slowly and reflectively. Then, finding a quiet, comfortable spot, try to imagine what was actually taking place in the reading, and listen to what the Lord is saying to the reader through His words. Rosage writes that those who use this method are often moved to respond with praise, gratitude and love. With time, we learn to feel the presence of God in our lives, and we get to know ourselves a little better in the process. The author’s words “God’s plan for our lives becomes clearer. Life has more meaning” especially struck a chord with me. This is what I was searching for!

Rosen also noted that in the beginning readers might not gain great insight or inspiration, but we would experience a sense of peace and joy. There was that word again … peace!

I couldn’t wait to try out this new method of praying.