December 2007 – The retreat

Excerpts from my Retirement Activities List of September ’07:

• Take an enrichment class
• Look for a part-time job
• Pray daily
• Go on a retreat

While I had planned to put my job search and class-taking on hold till after the holidays, it was easy for me to pray every day when I no longer needed to bother with that pesky time-monopolizer called ‘employment’. I mostly prayed for relief from my continuing anxiety, and for an end to the constant internal replaying of my retirement decision pros and cons. I also prayed that Terry wouldn’t lose his own job anytime soon, and that the economy wouldn’t get any worse than it already was. In between these supplications, I tried to remember to thank God for all of the good things He had granted me, including the freedom to pursue His plan for me on a full-time basis.

In November I had seen an article in our church bulletin announcing a ‘Day of Recollection’ at the St. Paul of the Cross Retreat Center. The theme was preparation for Advent, and it was to include a homily by a Passionist priest, personal time for reflection, the Sacrament of Reconciliation, Eucharist, and lunch.

Hallelujah! Things were starting to fall into place already. Now I could check off another item from my list (I have always been VERY big on list-making).

The day of the retreat coincided with our first snow storm of the season. But the slick roads and dire warnings from the weathercasters did not deter me … I just knew that this day would bring me one step closer to discerning my mission.

Our retreat leader, Father Ron, was a jovial sort who opened his talk with a few jokes, and then went into the history of the advent season. But the crux of his homily, the thing that really stayed with me, was the idea that Christmas could be a time to exchange gifts with God. Father asked the retreat participants two questions: What is it that you want God to give you for Christmas? And what do you think God would ask you to give to Him for the Holiday?

My soul immediately cried out the answers: For Christmas, I would petition God for peace of mind. And what did God want from me? I felt very strongly that what He asked of me was trust.

Right then and there I received my very first Christmas gift of the year. I felt awash with peace, and was certain that the Lord would give me the grace to deal with whatever came my way. (That was my second gift request; as usual, I was asking for more than I was giving!). I whispered the words, “Lord, I put my trust in you,” and hoped they would always to be true.

I spent the rest of the day in profound appreciation and tranquility. I reveled in the celebration of the Eucharist, feeling closer than ever to Christ. Revitalized, I went home feeling refreshed and ready to complete my Christmas preparations so I could move into the next phase of my life.

Throughout the advent season I continued to repeat my promise of trust in the Lord, especially when doubts crept in and I wasn’t feeling all that trusting. I was becoming less and less anxious, and had even started to sleep eight hours a night …. what a great bonus gift! The Christmas celebrations with my loved ones were indeed peaceful and cheering, and my participation at Christmas Mass was especially meaningful. How blessed I was to have received my requested gifts from God so soon!

The funny thing about the gifts I received and gave is that they are somewhat tied together. If I trust that God is with me through all of my trials, and that He will give me the grace I need to sustain me even in my darkest times, then certainly I will have the peace of mind I need to get through each day. But what if I stop trusting in the Lord? Would He revoke His gift of peace because my trust was gone? Or would a lack of trust in God bring on feelings of upheaval and despair, which are the antithesis of peace? Either way, I don’t see I could have peace of mind if I did not have trust in God.

I didn’t think about the connection between peace and trust until the week after Christmas. I was taking down the tree decorations when I suddenly inexplicably dissolved into long, heaving sobs. This was the same sort of emotional tidal wave that often slammed me in the months prior to the retreat. What was going on? I didn’t consciously decide that I no longer trusted in God. I repeated my promise aloud that yes, I do trust in You Lord, but I was still overwhelmed with a great sadness. I stopped my un-decorating, and started to pace. Then I looked up the phone number of St. Paul of the Cross, and called to ask if I could speak with Father Ron.