October 2007 – Seeds of Doubt

Who would have thought that my mile-wide “retirement is coming” grin would be replaced with sleepless nights and loss of appetite as soon as it was too late to rescind my retirement agreement? Soon the list of potential retirement activities that had thrilled me was replaced with a list of worst-case scenarios. What if my husband lost his job? What if neither of us could find another job to replace our old ones? What if health care costs continued to climb, uncovered medical conditions were discovered, the stock market crashed, and the double digit inflation of the 80’s was revisited in the new millennium? Mind you, this was before the bear market started growling, before gas hit four dollars a gallon, before the cost of food began its slow ascent, and before the national employment rate took a dive. (Although the concern about not finding replacement jobs was real enough; we happen to live in Michigan, where we considered changing our state’s description from “Water Winter Wonderland” to “One State Recession Land”.)

In truth, I‘ve had bouts of anxiety and insomnia in the past. While I usually shun a medical approach, this time I decided to go to the clinic. Though the doctor was hesitant to treat me, he eventually did prescribe a mild sleeping pill (which, in the end, didn’t even work!). His advice was to read religious material at bedtime to help calm me (I had told him of my spiritual nature), have faith in my decision, and come back in six months if I was still having problems. So much for immediate relief!

My frame of mind in October and November was a swirl of emotions. At times I’d read my retirement activities list and find myself cheered, only to experience tearful outbursts for no apparent reason later in the day. I was especially embarrassed because I had been SO pumped for the big event, SO ready to embark on a new life, SO sure that this was the right decision. I hinted at having ‘second thoughts’ to a few close friends, but for a long time no one knew the extent of my discomfort – not even my husband! Sure, he knew I’d gone to the doctor, but he didn’t know just how little sleep and nourishment I was getting. I guess the only positive aspect of this episode is that I was losing weight again … and that’s a good thing!

After 32 years of marriage, Terry and I were usually pretty open with each other. But I was reluctant to tell him about my angst for several reasons. When we first discussed my early retirement, he had given me a lot of good reasons for me to stay on the job a while longer, but I was determined to leave my stressful workload behind. Now Terry was convinced that we had made a good decision, so how could I tell him I was suffering with a thousand and one doubts? How could I tell him that his assurances that we need not worry about money were not good enough for me? Mostly I was afraid he’d think of me as a neurotic basket case, just like my mother.

One beautiful fall day, as we were driving along a color-infused highway, I spilled my guts. To my relief, Terry was totally sympathetic. He pointed out that I had just undergone a major life-changing decision, and it was perfectly normal to fear the unknown. He also reminded me that my mom I had been on tranquillizers for many years before she died, and my anxiety level was nowhere near hers. Now I was glad that the doctor had not prescribed anything stronger that a mild, if ineffective, sleeping pill.

With Terry’s support, it became a little easier for me to handle the physical symptoms of my conflicted psyche. One of his favorite sayings, “This too shall pass”, became my new mantra. And I continued to pray for peace of mind, comfort, and encouragement. Still, I have to admit that during this time my prayers consisted more of talking to God than of listening to Him.

My last day of work was November 30, 2007. December was filled with preparations for Christmas, sprinkled with some long-overdue household projects. Though I still in turmoil, I calmed myself with the assurance that after the holidays I would launch my action plan. Ever the project manager, I laid out the next steps: I’d visit my daughter out west, look for a part-time job, look for a volunteer activity, and somehow discern the mission God had in mind for me. I even imagined a ‘project’ timeline; if I returned from my trip by the end of February, I’d certainly be doing God’s will by April or May! Now all I had to get through the holidays and move forward with confidence. I wasn’t quite sure how I’d do that, but I was about to find out from Father Ron, a Passionist priest in at the St. John Paul of the Cross Retreat Center.