March 2008 – A Mission

Here’s a quick recap of my retirement journey so far:

• I thought that God was calling me to take my company’s early retirement offer at age 55. Oh yeah, and I kind of wanted to get out of a stressful, demanding job where I was pretty much on call 24/7.
• As soon as it was too late to rescind the retirement package, I started to doubt that I’d made the right decision. I began to suspect that the ‘signs from God’ were really just rationalizations to justify my decision to leave my job.
• The first few months after my decision were rife with nausea, insomnia, loss of appetite and panic attacks. Daily prayer eventually helped alleviate the anxiety, and provide me with peace of mind. Now I was just left pondering what mission I had been called to do.
• Before I could embark on a true search of God’s plan for me, I was sidetracked with another pressing matter: caring for my sick mother-in-law. Mom was suffering from some of the same symptoms I’d experienced, but her severe fatigue and rapid weight loss indicated a true medical condition, whereas one might argue my problems were all in my head.

So, in February of 2008 I was occupied with nourishing, transporting, and otherwise assisting my ailing mother-in-law. Shortly after I cancelled my upcoming vacation, the doctors determined a probable cause for Mom’s symptoms.

The gastroenterologist hypothesized that Mom’s pancreas was not producing the enzymes she needed to digest food. Because Mom was diabetic, it was known that her pancreas wasn’t producing insulin, but a CT scan showed that the organ had severely atrophied. However, blood tests didn’t show that Mom’s enzymes were dangerously low, so the doctor wasn’t convinced that this was the sole cause of her ailments. Still, he prescribed an enzyme replacement, and said that it ‘should’ start to work in about three weeks.

This was great news! With the treatment prescribed, I was free to visit my daughter before her class started in March. But when I suggested this to Mom, she nearly begged me to delay my trip until she knew for sure that the pills would work.

At this point, I was feeling quite resentful. Several friends, and even my husband, felt that Mom was putting an unfair burden on me. One friend, a nurse, offered to visit her while I was away, helping her bathe and bringing her food. Terry also wondered if our daughter would be hurt that I was again delaying my trip. Carrie had originally invited me to stay for the entire month of January, but due to a social engagement, I had already delayed it once. If I had to push it back till May, I was afraid she’d think I was rejecting her. Maybe there was a reason she needed me to be with her at this time.

Before I made my final decision, I prayed for guidance. I really didn’t get a clear ‘message’ from God one way or the other so I decided to listen to others and go forward with the vacation. But I was too chicken to tell Mom myself. Instead, Terry told her while I listened to his end of the phone conversation. When it was over, he confirmed that she wasn’t at all pleased that I was leaving town for two weeks.

Now that I’d made my decision, I called Carrie to confirm the dates. She could tell how conflicted I was, but I think she was hesitant to encourage me to stay in Michigan for fear I’d think she was rejecting me. But during our conversation we both concluded that I really felt awful about rejecting my mother-in-law’s request. Carrie told me she would not be hurt with another trip delay, so I again put the vacation on hold.

I called my mother-in-law the same night, before I changed my mind again. She was very much relieved with my decision, and as soon as I heard her spirits lift, I knew I was doing the right thing. Looking back on it, I can’t believe I even considered leaving her. I’m kind of embarrassed when I re-read my journal from February. I had written “Could this be my mission from God? Babysitting my mother-in-law?” Oh, how selfish I was.

And now for the happy ending to this segment: the enzyme replacements did kick in, but after six weeks, not three. My mother-in-law still has insomnia and very little energy, but at least she has her appetite back. And I did go out to visit Carrie in May. The wildflowers were in full bloom, which made for a much more colorful trip than if I had gone in February. But I will tell that story in another blog. This installment will end with a couple final thoughts regarding this, my first mission:

1) The tasks that God asks of us are not for our benefit, but for the benefit of others. They are fashioned by His design, not ours.
2) Perhaps God does not have one big mission set aside for me, but rather a few smaller areas for me to explore and be of service to others.
3) Just because we ask God for guidance, the answer isn’t always explicit. No, playing Bible roulette in the hopes of gleaning a specific message from the selected scripture passage just doesn’t work.

Of course, I didn’t realize any of this when my mother-in-law’s health finally started to improve. In March of 2008, Mom was again driving and cooking for herself, and I was still on a mission to find my mission from God.