September 2008 - The Joy of Writing

With my new goal of discerning my charisms, and determining my mission in the process, I decided to put off my plan of taking a college or enrichment class in the fall. I threw myself into writing my blog, along with a fiction project I had started earlier in the year. I also attended training at a non-profit agency I’ll call The Helping Place, where I was going to start assisting clients with their job applications, resumes, and cover letters. Initially, I would just do general counseling until people made specific appointments for resume help.

I was very excited about confirming that the Lord had called me to help others through my writing. In retrospect, I think this was important to me because I wanted to prove to myself that my decision to retire was wise and not foolish. If it was just financial security I wanted from life, then the decision was foolish, especially in light of the declining stock market. If my goal was to let the Lord work through me by using the gifts the Holy Spirit had endowed up me, then my decision was wise.

Though September had started out on a positive note, it was proving to be a major disappointment for me. First, I found that my blog drew absolutely no comments (the one I posted myself just to see how it works doesn’t count!). I didn’t want to send the link to friends and family, basically because I was rather embarrassed about my often pathetic whining. My hope was that others in the blogosphere would read it and get caught up in the suspense, wishing for me not to lose hope and to keep going on my quest. Perhaps some would be inspired by the steps I was taking to discern God’s plan, and would want to share their own experiences along the same path. Indeed, there may have been some who had read my blog and felt that way, but so far I had no reason to believe that this was the case.

I also started writing more e-mails to friends, and sent selected blogs to a few family members. The responses these drew were tepid at best. I was starting to get discouraged.

My experience at the Helping Place was also mixed. Though I enjoyed the counseling quite a bit, it had nothing to do with writing, and I still hadn’t been called upon to help anyone in the employment office. At this point, I decided that I would just continue to work as a general counselor, assisting clients obtain identification, providing emergency food and clothing, and offering referrals to other agencies. I felt that the services I was providing through the Helping Place and St. Vincent de Paul were very worthwhile, even if they didn’t confirm that I had a charism for writing, or any other charism, for that matter.

After posting several entries, I realized that I loved writing my blog, because it helped me think things through and learn more about myself. I definitely felt the joy that is supposed to accompany the use of one’s charism, though the other two signs, recognition of the gift from others and unusually effective results, were sorely lacking. Even so, I decided not to be hasty in judging whether or not I had the Writing charism. I knew that the audience for my blog was limited, and besides, most of my postings were more for my benefit than for others, which is contrary to the very nature of charisms. I also started testing for the presence of other charisms, especially Service and Encouragement. I continued to look for the three signs of a charism in all of my charitable acts, hoping for some clue as to how the Holy Spirit would work through me.

Still, it was hard to keep my faith from wavering. According to the Siena website, all baptized Christians are gifted with one of more charisms. But I was seeing no evidence that this was true in my life. Was I just deluding myself? Just as I had doubted that I’d been called by God to retire, I was beginning to doubt that charisms even existed, at least for me. In fact, I was starting to believe that God really didn’t interact with human beings at all! Yes, I still believed in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, but I was not so sure that I really had a relationship with Him. I wasn’t convinced that He really heard me, and despite my attempts to learn of His plan for me, discern what gifts He might have bestowed upon me, and learn how He wanted me to live by reading His word in the scriptures, I was certain that He was not speaking to me either. And then, in a box of religious books I’d put aside months ago, I ran across a book called “Hearing God”, and my journey took another twist.