On Finding Myself

I recently edited my blogger profile to reflect some recent developments in my life. Though this is its third iteration, I still state that I retired in order to ‘find myself and discern God’s plan’. I’ve written a lot about discernment and my relationship with God, but I’m not sure that I’ve made much headway on finding myself. Then again, perhaps I was never really lost.

I think that I’m basically a pretty uncomplicated person. The things I like to do most are fairly mundane: read, write, cook, play games, spend time with family and friends. Most interesting are my recent ventures into dancing and fitness, which have been wonderful for my body, mind, and soul. And of course, the best thing I’ve done is to strengthen my relationship with God by praying with the scriptures and staying tuned in to His presence in my life.

But have I really discover anything new or startling about myself during the past 23 months of introspection? Perhaps not, but that might just be a testament to the fact that I really do know myself better than I thought. But for what it’s worth, here are a few things I’ve discovered, or re-discovered, about the sweet and somewhat boring Michele S:

1) People generally seem to like me, and when I realized that, it came as a bit of a surprise. I’ve always been fascinated with people whom others find annoying, and I often try to analyze them. Do they know that most people don’t like them, or are they oblivious to that fact? Do they think that the problem lies with other people and not themselves? Do they catch themselves displaying the same old irritating habits over and over, and when they realize it after it’s too late, do they kick themselves for it (all too often, that’s what happens to me)? Because I’m so aware of my shortcomings, I’ve often wondered if I fall into the category of ‘jerks that most people don’t like.’ But since I’ve retired I’ve made a whole new sets of friends, and they often seek me out or tell me I’ve been missed when I’m not around, so maybe I’m not that annoying and unlikeable after all!

2) Even when I have loads of time, I’ll still find ways to procrastinate and waste time as a means of avoidance. Though I pride myself in never watching TV during the day (and rarely at night), I will play online games such as Word Twist, Scrabble, and (gasp!) Solitaire way too much! When I worked full time I used to justify these time wasters as a way to decompress after a stressful day, but even though my stress level has greatly decreased, there are still items on my To Do List that I just don’t want To Do! And I still find ways to put off doing them, or eventually transfer them to my Not To Do List if I can convince myself that’s acceptable.

3) I’m not nearly as creative as I thought I was. I do love to blog and journal, but I admit that my narratives just aren’t that riveting. My attempts at fiction writing, beading, photography, gardening, and needlecrafts are disappointing at best. Even the area where I think I’m most creative – cooking on a budget – has pretty much all been done before, judging from the cooking websites I frequent.

4) My self-image was much more wrapped up in my career than I thought it was. While I’ve had my share of tedious, disagreeable, and onerous jobs, my last position was actually quite satisfying. The downside – that I was pretty much on-call 24/7 and that I had too much responsibility – was also the thing that made it so rewarding: I was considered the system expert, the go-to person who had all of the answers. I just didn’t think I’d miss that sense of purpose and accomplishment as much as I do (though I certainly don’t miss the early morning or all-night phone calls when things went boom!)

5) On a related note, I find paid work much more rewarding than volunteer work, even if the pay is minimal. This distresses me a bit because I’ve never thought of myself as materialistic. But the fact that someone is willing to pay to take my fitness class or have me tweak their resume is a real bonus for me! It’s funny, but when I was working full time I said my ideal ‘fun retirement jobs’ would be to teach an aerobics class and to write resumes. How cool is it that I’m now doing both? I simply cannot believe my good fortune in this regard.

6) I really can change life-long habits! I am no longer a compulsive over-eater, and my weight has been in the normal range for several months. That’s quite a feat, considering I was overweight or obese for about 80% of my life. I think giving up nail-biting was even harder than giving cutting back on breads, pastas and sweets. Oh, I still backslide in both areas from time to time, but I am confident that I’ll not go back to my old nasty habits again.

7) I am now at peace in my relationship with God, and I can’t believe what a marvelous blessing this has been for me. I’d dabbled with spirituality in the past, but often let fear and doubt dissuade me from putting all of my faith in God. Now when weeds of disbelief start to spring up, I simply pull them up and throw them away! I’m not sure I always get the roots, but I’m not going to let them overtake my garden. No matter what else is going on for me, I know that the Lord loves me and is with me always, and this has become the greatest source of joy in my life.