I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve posted an entry on this blog! The last several months have been hectic, fulfilling, exhilarating, hopeful, exciting, stressful (not too much so, just an acceptable level of stress), revealing, and enlightening. I praise and thank God for all of the gifts that He’s showered upon me in the past year!
Where to begin? Unlike I did in my previous posts, I’m not inclined to recount in painstaking detail the minutia of my spiritual journey thus far. So perhaps I’ll simply state where I am right now: content with my life, pleased with the steps I’ve taken to live in God’s will, and looking forward to the new adventures God has in store for me. I am no longer desperate to find the ‘something more’ that God has prescribed for me; I believe that there are endless opportunities to do something more and then something greater still and perhaps something that I never even conceived of doing, all if I keep my mind and heart open to the Holy Spirit.
A huge goal of mine in 2009 was to discover my passion. Well, I have found not one passion, but many: writing professional resumes, designing and teaching fitness classes, joining in Christian fellowship with others to discuss the presence of God in our lives, and entering into a deep and profound relationship with the Lord by meditating on His word. Yes, I was heading down many of these paths as early as 2008, but now I view these activities not as justifications for my retirement decision, but as occasions to follow where the Lord has sent me, and make the most of the experiences! I’m also striving to use each of these pursuits as a way to focus on others instead of myself, to develop the Christ-like traits I’m meant to cultivate, and to continue to learn, grow, and challenge myself.
Is it a disappointment to me that I have not pinpointed one or more characteristics that I can definitively label as a charism? Not at all! I know that in many ways I am an effective teacher, writer, dancer, benefactor, organizer, confidant, leader, administrator, servant, helper, and prayer-giver. I also know that I have more than enough areas to improve upon to last me a couple of lifetimes! But I believe I can strengthen the gifts God has given me, and develop new talents by simply living every day in a way that I believe is pleasing to God. That is certainly enough of a challenge for me!
One change I am making is my decision to no longer post my reflections on the scriptures or on life in general on this blog. I believe that journaling is an excellent outlet for me to organize my thoughts, but I no longer feel the need to share them in this venue. I continue to pray for all who are searching for something more in the joyful hope that Christ will open their eyes and hearts to all of the prospects He has laid out before them. May the peace of Christ be with you all!
Showing posts with label retirement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label retirement. Show all posts
Monday, June 14, 2010
Saturday, September 13, 2008
October 2007 – Seeds of Doubt
Who would have thought that my mile-wide “retirement is coming” grin would be replaced with sleepless nights and loss of appetite as soon as it was too late to rescind my retirement agreement? Soon the list of potential retirement activities that had thrilled me was replaced with a list of worst-case scenarios. What if my husband lost his job? What if neither of us could find another job to replace our old ones? What if health care costs continued to climb, uncovered medical conditions were discovered, the stock market crashed, and the double digit inflation of the 80’s was revisited in the new millennium? Mind you, this was before the bear market started growling, before gas hit four dollars a gallon, before the cost of food began its slow ascent, and before the national employment rate took a dive. (Although the concern about not finding replacement jobs was real enough; we happen to live in Michigan, where we considered changing our state’s description from “Water Winter Wonderland” to “One State Recession Land”.)
In truth, I‘ve had bouts of anxiety and insomnia in the past. While I usually shun a medical approach, this time I decided to go to the clinic. Though the doctor was hesitant to treat me, he eventually did prescribe a mild sleeping pill (which, in the end, didn’t even work!). His advice was to read religious material at bedtime to help calm me (I had told him of my spiritual nature), have faith in my decision, and come back in six months if I was still having problems. So much for immediate relief!
My frame of mind in October and November was a swirl of emotions. At times I’d read my retirement activities list and find myself cheered, only to experience tearful outbursts for no apparent reason later in the day. I was especially embarrassed because I had been SO pumped for the big event, SO ready to embark on a new life, SO sure that this was the right decision. I hinted at having ‘second thoughts’ to a few close friends, but for a long time no one knew the extent of my discomfort – not even my husband! Sure, he knew I’d gone to the doctor, but he didn’t know just how little sleep and nourishment I was getting. I guess the only positive aspect of this episode is that I was losing weight again … and that’s a good thing!
After 32 years of marriage, Terry and I were usually pretty open with each other. But I was reluctant to tell him about my angst for several reasons. When we first discussed my early retirement, he had given me a lot of good reasons for me to stay on the job a while longer, but I was determined to leave my stressful workload behind. Now Terry was convinced that we had made a good decision, so how could I tell him I was suffering with a thousand and one doubts? How could I tell him that his assurances that we need not worry about money were not good enough for me? Mostly I was afraid he’d think of me as a neurotic basket case, just like my mother.
One beautiful fall day, as we were driving along a color-infused highway, I spilled my guts. To my relief, Terry was totally sympathetic. He pointed out that I had just undergone a major life-changing decision, and it was perfectly normal to fear the unknown. He also reminded me that my mom I had been on tranquillizers for many years before she died, and my anxiety level was nowhere near hers. Now I was glad that the doctor had not prescribed anything stronger that a mild, if ineffective, sleeping pill.
With Terry’s support, it became a little easier for me to handle the physical symptoms of my conflicted psyche. One of his favorite sayings, “This too shall pass”, became my new mantra. And I continued to pray for peace of mind, comfort, and encouragement. Still, I have to admit that during this time my prayers consisted more of talking to God than of listening to Him.
My last day of work was November 30, 2007. December was filled with preparations for Christmas, sprinkled with some long-overdue household projects. Though I still in turmoil, I calmed myself with the assurance that after the holidays I would launch my action plan. Ever the project manager, I laid out the next steps: I’d visit my daughter out west, look for a part-time job, look for a volunteer activity, and somehow discern the mission God had in mind for me. I even imagined a ‘project’ timeline; if I returned from my trip by the end of February, I’d certainly be doing God’s will by April or May! Now all I had to get through the holidays and move forward with confidence. I wasn’t quite sure how I’d do that, but I was about to find out from Father Ron, a Passionist priest in at the St. John Paul of the Cross Retreat Center.
In truth, I‘ve had bouts of anxiety and insomnia in the past. While I usually shun a medical approach, this time I decided to go to the clinic. Though the doctor was hesitant to treat me, he eventually did prescribe a mild sleeping pill (which, in the end, didn’t even work!). His advice was to read religious material at bedtime to help calm me (I had told him of my spiritual nature), have faith in my decision, and come back in six months if I was still having problems. So much for immediate relief!
My frame of mind in October and November was a swirl of emotions. At times I’d read my retirement activities list and find myself cheered, only to experience tearful outbursts for no apparent reason later in the day. I was especially embarrassed because I had been SO pumped for the big event, SO ready to embark on a new life, SO sure that this was the right decision. I hinted at having ‘second thoughts’ to a few close friends, but for a long time no one knew the extent of my discomfort – not even my husband! Sure, he knew I’d gone to the doctor, but he didn’t know just how little sleep and nourishment I was getting. I guess the only positive aspect of this episode is that I was losing weight again … and that’s a good thing!
After 32 years of marriage, Terry and I were usually pretty open with each other. But I was reluctant to tell him about my angst for several reasons. When we first discussed my early retirement, he had given me a lot of good reasons for me to stay on the job a while longer, but I was determined to leave my stressful workload behind. Now Terry was convinced that we had made a good decision, so how could I tell him I was suffering with a thousand and one doubts? How could I tell him that his assurances that we need not worry about money were not good enough for me? Mostly I was afraid he’d think of me as a neurotic basket case, just like my mother.
One beautiful fall day, as we were driving along a color-infused highway, I spilled my guts. To my relief, Terry was totally sympathetic. He pointed out that I had just undergone a major life-changing decision, and it was perfectly normal to fear the unknown. He also reminded me that my mom I had been on tranquillizers for many years before she died, and my anxiety level was nowhere near hers. Now I was glad that the doctor had not prescribed anything stronger that a mild, if ineffective, sleeping pill.
With Terry’s support, it became a little easier for me to handle the physical symptoms of my conflicted psyche. One of his favorite sayings, “This too shall pass”, became my new mantra. And I continued to pray for peace of mind, comfort, and encouragement. Still, I have to admit that during this time my prayers consisted more of talking to God than of listening to Him.
My last day of work was November 30, 2007. December was filled with preparations for Christmas, sprinkled with some long-overdue household projects. Though I still in turmoil, I calmed myself with the assurance that after the holidays I would launch my action plan. Ever the project manager, I laid out the next steps: I’d visit my daughter out west, look for a part-time job, look for a volunteer activity, and somehow discern the mission God had in mind for me. I even imagined a ‘project’ timeline; if I returned from my trip by the end of February, I’d certainly be doing God’s will by April or May! Now all I had to get through the holidays and move forward with confidence. I wasn’t quite sure how I’d do that, but I was about to find out from Father Ron, a Passionist priest in at the St. John Paul of the Cross Retreat Center.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
September 2007 - The Early Retirement Offer
“There is something else the Lord wants you to do.”
That was the message that kept rolling around in my brain for several months before I walked away from my career in information technology. When the thought first came to me, I had no idea I’d retire as early as I did. I had no idea what the Lord’s ‘something’ might be, how I’d go about finding it, and how I’d fit it into my work week of fifty plus hours. I definitely had no idea of the journey I would embark upon in the autumn of 2007. It’s a journey I’m still on, and one that will continue for the rest of my life. It’s a journey of peace and joy, faith and discernment, service and fulfillment. But it's also been a journey fraught with self-doubt, apprehension and temptation. Through it all, it’s a journey I am taking with Christ at my side and with the Holy Spirit in my heart.
Did God call me to take an early retirement? I sure thought so last September, when I first heard of my company’s early retirement offer. It seemed that every sermon I heard at Church, every scripture passage I read, and every perceived response to my pondering prayers pointed in that direction. Of course, it didn’t hurt that I had a backlog of assignments piling up, as the team I worked with continued to dwindle. I’d been hoping to retire as soon as I was eligible in 2009 anyway, so this seemed like the perfect opportunity to speed up the timeline. Plus, there was that little nagging message about doing something else for the Lord that gave me confidence.
My husband and I went over our finances, and we decided that we could make do without my income. I joyfully submitted the paperwork to accept the retirement offer, and made list upon list of all the wonderful ways I’d fill my retirement hours: creative endeavors such as writing and jewelry-making, long-neglected household projects, perhaps a low-stress part-time job for extract income, and of course the soon-to-be-revealed mission with my name on it up in heaven. Many were the prayers of thanksgiving and praise I offered for the amazing opportunity being laid out before me.
All September I had walked around sporting the biggest smile imaginable. Even as the demands of my job increased, I just couldn’t keep that “This will all be over soon” grin from creeping over me. I spoke with others eligible for the early retirement package, and was surprised at the agony some of them experienced in making their decisions. I even heard of one person who had submitted her paperwork, but then rescinded it before the allotted 7-day waiting period was over. Strange! One would think a decision like that would not have been made lightly. My husband and I had certainly discussed and planned and prayed, and we were sure that this was the right decision for us.
On the eighth day after I mailed in my acceptance papers, the phone rang at 5 am. In my job, this was not an unusual time to receive a call. Part of my job dissatisfaction stemmed from being responsible for a business application 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. But that would soon end; in just a few months those 5 am calls would be going to my replacement, not to me.
I hopped out of bed to grab the phone, and I immediately was slammed with a wave of nausea. My head spun, my knees buckled, and I thought for sure I wouldn’t make it out of the bedroom before I passed out or hurled. But I did make it to the phone, handled a fairly simple system problem, then staggered to the bathroom to vomit. I must have a bug, I thought, or perhaps I got out of bed too quickly. But in the weeks to come I would learn that my illness was not due to a physical condition. It was just good old-fashioned self-doubt, coupled with an unhealthy shot of lack of trust in God. Phase One of my retirement journey started that day, even though my last day of work wouldn’t be for another seven weeks.
That was the message that kept rolling around in my brain for several months before I walked away from my career in information technology. When the thought first came to me, I had no idea I’d retire as early as I did. I had no idea what the Lord’s ‘something’ might be, how I’d go about finding it, and how I’d fit it into my work week of fifty plus hours. I definitely had no idea of the journey I would embark upon in the autumn of 2007. It’s a journey I’m still on, and one that will continue for the rest of my life. It’s a journey of peace and joy, faith and discernment, service and fulfillment. But it's also been a journey fraught with self-doubt, apprehension and temptation. Through it all, it’s a journey I am taking with Christ at my side and with the Holy Spirit in my heart.
Did God call me to take an early retirement? I sure thought so last September, when I first heard of my company’s early retirement offer. It seemed that every sermon I heard at Church, every scripture passage I read, and every perceived response to my pondering prayers pointed in that direction. Of course, it didn’t hurt that I had a backlog of assignments piling up, as the team I worked with continued to dwindle. I’d been hoping to retire as soon as I was eligible in 2009 anyway, so this seemed like the perfect opportunity to speed up the timeline. Plus, there was that little nagging message about doing something else for the Lord that gave me confidence.
My husband and I went over our finances, and we decided that we could make do without my income. I joyfully submitted the paperwork to accept the retirement offer, and made list upon list of all the wonderful ways I’d fill my retirement hours: creative endeavors such as writing and jewelry-making, long-neglected household projects, perhaps a low-stress part-time job for extract income, and of course the soon-to-be-revealed mission with my name on it up in heaven. Many were the prayers of thanksgiving and praise I offered for the amazing opportunity being laid out before me.
All September I had walked around sporting the biggest smile imaginable. Even as the demands of my job increased, I just couldn’t keep that “This will all be over soon” grin from creeping over me. I spoke with others eligible for the early retirement package, and was surprised at the agony some of them experienced in making their decisions. I even heard of one person who had submitted her paperwork, but then rescinded it before the allotted 7-day waiting period was over. Strange! One would think a decision like that would not have been made lightly. My husband and I had certainly discussed and planned and prayed, and we were sure that this was the right decision for us.
On the eighth day after I mailed in my acceptance papers, the phone rang at 5 am. In my job, this was not an unusual time to receive a call. Part of my job dissatisfaction stemmed from being responsible for a business application 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. But that would soon end; in just a few months those 5 am calls would be going to my replacement, not to me.
I hopped out of bed to grab the phone, and I immediately was slammed with a wave of nausea. My head spun, my knees buckled, and I thought for sure I wouldn’t make it out of the bedroom before I passed out or hurled. But I did make it to the phone, handled a fairly simple system problem, then staggered to the bathroom to vomit. I must have a bug, I thought, or perhaps I got out of bed too quickly. But in the weeks to come I would learn that my illness was not due to a physical condition. It was just good old-fashioned self-doubt, coupled with an unhealthy shot of lack of trust in God. Phase One of my retirement journey started that day, even though my last day of work wouldn’t be for another seven weeks.
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