This week I started an eight week course on praying with the scriptures, based on the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius. A couple people have mentioned these exercises to me in the past, especially when I spoke of my daily scripture readings. Since I wasn’t familiar with St. Ignatius, I had planned to look into the spiritual exercises anyway. Before I got a chance to do so, I saw this program listed in our parish bulletin, so I decided to see firsthand what it’s all about.
I asked my friend Diane if she’d like to join me, and she happily accepted my invitation. I met my fellow alto and a soon-to-be retiree through our church choir, and I’ve gotten to know her a little better since she joined the St. Vincent de Paul Society. We’ve had few discussions about spirituality, so my hunch that she’d be interested in this exploration of prayer was right on target.
On Tuesday evening we set off for the historic Boston-Edison district in Detroit, where the program was being offered at Catholic convent. Neither of us had been to the district before, and we were awed at the spectacular mansions built in the early 20th century. The spires of the Blessed Sacrament Cathedral were especially dramatic against the heavily clouded dusk sky.
The majestic convent, with its extensive wood trim, brick floors, and even a stained glass window, added to the atmosphere of peace and reverence. So did our facilitator, with his soothing accent (Caribbean, I think) and warm smile. He gave us a little background on St. Ignatius, and showed the first in a series of videos developed by the late Jesuit priest, Anthony de Mello.
The topic of this week’s video was how to find God through silence. I found de Mello’s words both puzzling and profound. He offered three steps for seeking God through silence: Understanding, Look/Listen/See/Hear, and Scriptures.
Understanding in this context means the realization that we cannot have an understanding of God, because he is beyond anything we can imagine. What a paradox! I guess I can understand that God cannot be explained or described, but I’m not sure how realizing this concept will help me to know God. Perhaps it will become clearer in the silence of my meditation.
The priest next spoke about Heart Looking and Heart Listening. His directives: “See God in all things. Look as if you are seeing for the first time. Listen all sounds, but avoid putting names to them. Listen as if you are hearing for the first time”. In the video, Father told story upon story of our human longing to know God, of how we miss the things that are right in front of us, of how words fail to satisfy our thirst for spirituality. Since Father de Mello was born in India, he has a very lyrical pattern of speech. I was entranced with his tales as well as his Eastern way of thinking.
Finally, Father gave this formula for praying with scriptures: Read, Recite, React. I was surprised that he suggested the recitation of a favorite scripture passage as a mantra, but I tried it and found it very effective. The images that developed during my meditation were certainly powerful.
I chose Romans 8:14 – 27 from among the recommended readings for my first week’s meditation. The sentence I focused on was “Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words.” As the exercise for silence suggests, I imagined Christ standing before me reciting these words (I changed the words “we” and “us” to “you”, so Jesus was addressing this statement directly to me). At first I repeated the sentence over and over, letting the words roll over me and resound in my heart. Eventually, just the phrase “sighs too deep for words” was repeated. I imagined the Holy Spirit breathing deep sighs into my soul, which kindled a small glowing fire. With each sigh, the flame grew bigger, until I imagined my heart burning with love and praise for God.
After the recitation, I reacted to my experience with many questions: What does it mean for my heart to glow with love for God? Was my sense of communion with the Lord the result of the Holy Spirit’s sighs upon my soul? Is this then how I ought to pray? Even though my first meditation ended with questions, it also brought me much joy and excitement about learning to pray in a new way.
While I was writing this blog I thought I’d get a little more information on Anthony de Mello. My Google search led me to some of his lectures on YouTube, and I decided to listen to the one titled “Wake Up! Pray” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vmTSdxxnTw). This video was an excellent follow up to the one I saw at the Praying with Scriptures seminar. I was especially entranced with another Father de Mello story. This one revolved around the inventor of fire, and the reverence his followers developed after he had been poisoned by the jealous elders. According to the fable, the followers built an altar to the inventor, adorned with his portrait and the tools for making fire. They worshiped at the altar for decades and even centuries, developing rites and liturgies to venerate the great man. But amazingly, during all of their rituals, there was never any fire. Father concluded his story with the cry, “Want to know prayer is? Fire!” Whatever it is that brings you fire, that is prayer.”
And so it is.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Lessons I’ve learned from ballroom dancing
Lately I’ve spent a lot time trying to improve my skills in ballroom dancing. While I’ve noticed some progress over that past several months, I have to admit that I’m not a quick study. Despite my best intentions, I still find I sometimes let the mechanics of the steps impede the flow of the dance. Recently, while attempting to learn a complex waltz pattern, one of my partners told me that I was fighting his lead. His comment really jarred me. I wasn’t intentionally trying to work against him! I thought that I was moving according to his lead, but that was obviously not the case. I guess I was more focused on how to execute the new steps than on the cues my partner was giving me with his body.
Later, it occurred to me that I might be having the same issues while trying to discern God’s will. Perhaps I’m focused on details (should I volunteer here? apply to work there? go back to school?) instead of going in the general direction the Lord is leading me. Maybe I’m even fighting His lead, thinking I know the steps better than the Lord knows the dance. I think back to one of the central themes of the book ‘Hearing God’, where Dallas Willard talks about being in the will of God. He writes “…being in the will of God is very far removed from just doing what God wants us to do—so far removed, in fact, that we can be solidly in the will of God, and be aware that we are, without know God’s preference with regard to various details of our lives.” So what does it mean for me to live in God’s will? I believe it means living a prayerful, charitable, and spirit-filled life, no matter what activities I pursue. And, as St. Paul writes in Corinthians 13:13, to have “faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
So now that I am dancing my way through retirement, with the Lord as the best partner I could possibly have, I have found other parallels between dancing and life. Here are some principles I’ve learned from ballroom dancing that can be applied to my relationships with family, friends, and God:
1) Always maintain a good connection. Let your partner know you’re there and that you’re aware of the communication between the two of you.
2) Keep a strong frame, with back straight and arms toned. Sloppy frames lead to miscues and ambiguous signals.
3) Keep your head up at all times … never look at your feet! You need to know in what direction you’re headed, not how you’re going to get there.
4) Keep your shoulders down – don’t try to be taller than you really are.
5) Leaders, place your partner where she needs to be. Followers, settle into your partner’s arm. Be where you belong in the relationship.
6) Move together as a unified couple. Don’t be rising when your partner is falling, or taking your turns too early or too late.
7) Keep your knees bent so you can be flexible when executing turns and taking long strides.
8) Stay close when making turns. The toughest times require close proximity.
9) Don’t fight the lead!
In ballroom dancing, the man is usually the leader and the woman the follower; in other relationships, having a designated leader and follower works well in some situations and not in others. But in our relationship with God, He is always the leader. If we maintain a good connection with Him, keep our receptive arms firm so we feel His guiding touch, look to where He wants us to go, stay true to ourselves, settle ourselves into His arms, move in step with Him, remain flexible, and stay ever close in times of trouble, our dance will be a thing of beauty, grace and elegance.
Later, it occurred to me that I might be having the same issues while trying to discern God’s will. Perhaps I’m focused on details (should I volunteer here? apply to work there? go back to school?) instead of going in the general direction the Lord is leading me. Maybe I’m even fighting His lead, thinking I know the steps better than the Lord knows the dance. I think back to one of the central themes of the book ‘Hearing God’, where Dallas Willard talks about being in the will of God. He writes “…being in the will of God is very far removed from just doing what God wants us to do—so far removed, in fact, that we can be solidly in the will of God, and be aware that we are, without know God’s preference with regard to various details of our lives.” So what does it mean for me to live in God’s will? I believe it means living a prayerful, charitable, and spirit-filled life, no matter what activities I pursue. And, as St. Paul writes in Corinthians 13:13, to have “faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
So now that I am dancing my way through retirement, with the Lord as the best partner I could possibly have, I have found other parallels between dancing and life. Here are some principles I’ve learned from ballroom dancing that can be applied to my relationships with family, friends, and God:
1) Always maintain a good connection. Let your partner know you’re there and that you’re aware of the communication between the two of you.
2) Keep a strong frame, with back straight and arms toned. Sloppy frames lead to miscues and ambiguous signals.
3) Keep your head up at all times … never look at your feet! You need to know in what direction you’re headed, not how you’re going to get there.
4) Keep your shoulders down – don’t try to be taller than you really are.
5) Leaders, place your partner where she needs to be. Followers, settle into your partner’s arm. Be where you belong in the relationship.
6) Move together as a unified couple. Don’t be rising when your partner is falling, or taking your turns too early or too late.
7) Keep your knees bent so you can be flexible when executing turns and taking long strides.
8) Stay close when making turns. The toughest times require close proximity.
9) Don’t fight the lead!
In ballroom dancing, the man is usually the leader and the woman the follower; in other relationships, having a designated leader and follower works well in some situations and not in others. But in our relationship with God, He is always the leader. If we maintain a good connection with Him, keep our receptive arms firm so we feel His guiding touch, look to where He wants us to go, stay true to ourselves, settle ourselves into His arms, move in step with Him, remain flexible, and stay ever close in times of trouble, our dance will be a thing of beauty, grace and elegance.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Welcoming the New Year
Yes, it’s a new year, and as usual I’ve made an impressive list of resolutions. Many of them are the same as last year …isn’t that true for everyone? I still have 16 objectives, but a few from last year dropped off, replaced with more ambitious aims.
I also went through and graded my performance on my 2008 resolutions. Guess I just can’t get out of the ‘performance review’ mode, even if I’m the one reviewing myself. The goal I did best at last year was to pray daily. I also did a pretty fair job of eating healthfully, exercising, and becoming a better driver (at least by following the rules more closely and avoiding traffic tickets). The resolution I did worst on was quitting my nail-biting. I know it’s absurd for a person my age to continue engaging in this nasty habit, but it’s such a part of me that I often do it unconsciously. In the past I’ve given it up for months at a time, but 2008 was not a banner year in this department. But I have hopes for 2009! I’m going to try a couple new strategies, so we’ll see how they work out.
Anyway, I rated myself on a scale from 1 – 10 on each resolution, with 10 being the best possible score. My average rating was 5.75 per resolution. I definitely got better reviews when I was in the business world. I guess I am one tough boss! Actually, that was one of my 2008 resolutions: not to be so hard on myself. I gave myself a 6 on that one.
As for 2009, I’ve defined two goals in addition to the 16 ways I plan to mold myself into a better person. I don’t call them resolutions because I don’t know that I can accomplish them through my own determination and steadfastness, but I will certainly work at them. The first is to discern my charisms and put them to use according to God’s will. The second is to discover my passion and spend more time pursuing it. Hopefully, these two goals are really one in the same.
When I first retired I made a lot of lists, cataloging the things I like to do, things I’m good at, and things that give me a sense of accomplishment. I thought that this would help me figure out how to fill my time and perhaps even decide on the perfect ‘retirement job’. I wanted to find my passion (the retirement books are big on living out your passion!), but I guess I’m not an especially passionate person, because nothing really jumped out at me.
Later, when I learned about charismatic discernment, I found that the three signs of a charism fit into these same categories. Doing the things I like to do equates to finding joy and peace from exercising a charism; the fact that I’m good at something would be reflected in recognition of my gift from others; and a sense of accomplishment would certainly come about if the results of my efforts were unusually effective and successful. So I was really trying to discern my charisms a year ago, before I even knew what they were all about.
Going back to my original lists, I see that there are some activities that show up in all three categories. One is cooking a really good meal. Easy enough, but I’m not sure I’d consider it a passion, much less a charism. Another is problem-solving. A good skill to be sure, but I really need a context for it. When I worked in IT there were plenty of opportunities for me to solve problems, and I did so on a daily basis. Now I find it rewarding to solve little puzzles through my various hobbies and volunteer experiences, but this is not a major part of my day. Hey, maybe I can apply my problem-solving skill to figuring out how it fits into my elusive charism and/or passion!
Of course, writing appeared on all three lists, too. But in looking back at what I’ve written over the years, (as well as my success in this pursuit, or lack thereof), I know I’m not as good a writer as I like to think I am. It’s too bad I can’t figure out how to use list-making in a constructive manner! I really enjoy doing it, I get a feeling of accomplishment when I cross things off a To Do List, and judging by the number of pages taken up with this endeavor, I’m pretty darned good at it! Then again, quantity does not equate to quality, as my creative writing efforts bear out.
Still, it’s good to have some goals for the coming year. I will mull them over some more while I finish making the soup I started from fish heads and vegetable-scrap stock. Sounds disgusting, but the end result is quite tasty! I do have a knack for cooking a good meal.
I also went through and graded my performance on my 2008 resolutions. Guess I just can’t get out of the ‘performance review’ mode, even if I’m the one reviewing myself. The goal I did best at last year was to pray daily. I also did a pretty fair job of eating healthfully, exercising, and becoming a better driver (at least by following the rules more closely and avoiding traffic tickets). The resolution I did worst on was quitting my nail-biting. I know it’s absurd for a person my age to continue engaging in this nasty habit, but it’s such a part of me that I often do it unconsciously. In the past I’ve given it up for months at a time, but 2008 was not a banner year in this department. But I have hopes for 2009! I’m going to try a couple new strategies, so we’ll see how they work out.
Anyway, I rated myself on a scale from 1 – 10 on each resolution, with 10 being the best possible score. My average rating was 5.75 per resolution. I definitely got better reviews when I was in the business world. I guess I am one tough boss! Actually, that was one of my 2008 resolutions: not to be so hard on myself. I gave myself a 6 on that one.
As for 2009, I’ve defined two goals in addition to the 16 ways I plan to mold myself into a better person. I don’t call them resolutions because I don’t know that I can accomplish them through my own determination and steadfastness, but I will certainly work at them. The first is to discern my charisms and put them to use according to God’s will. The second is to discover my passion and spend more time pursuing it. Hopefully, these two goals are really one in the same.
When I first retired I made a lot of lists, cataloging the things I like to do, things I’m good at, and things that give me a sense of accomplishment. I thought that this would help me figure out how to fill my time and perhaps even decide on the perfect ‘retirement job’. I wanted to find my passion (the retirement books are big on living out your passion!), but I guess I’m not an especially passionate person, because nothing really jumped out at me.
Later, when I learned about charismatic discernment, I found that the three signs of a charism fit into these same categories. Doing the things I like to do equates to finding joy and peace from exercising a charism; the fact that I’m good at something would be reflected in recognition of my gift from others; and a sense of accomplishment would certainly come about if the results of my efforts were unusually effective and successful. So I was really trying to discern my charisms a year ago, before I even knew what they were all about.
Going back to my original lists, I see that there are some activities that show up in all three categories. One is cooking a really good meal. Easy enough, but I’m not sure I’d consider it a passion, much less a charism. Another is problem-solving. A good skill to be sure, but I really need a context for it. When I worked in IT there were plenty of opportunities for me to solve problems, and I did so on a daily basis. Now I find it rewarding to solve little puzzles through my various hobbies and volunteer experiences, but this is not a major part of my day. Hey, maybe I can apply my problem-solving skill to figuring out how it fits into my elusive charism and/or passion!
Of course, writing appeared on all three lists, too. But in looking back at what I’ve written over the years, (as well as my success in this pursuit, or lack thereof), I know I’m not as good a writer as I like to think I am. It’s too bad I can’t figure out how to use list-making in a constructive manner! I really enjoy doing it, I get a feeling of accomplishment when I cross things off a To Do List, and judging by the number of pages taken up with this endeavor, I’m pretty darned good at it! Then again, quantity does not equate to quality, as my creative writing efforts bear out.
Still, it’s good to have some goals for the coming year. I will mull them over some more while I finish making the soup I started from fish heads and vegetable-scrap stock. Sounds disgusting, but the end result is quite tasty! I do have a knack for cooking a good meal.
Monday, December 8, 2008
November 2008 – The still, small voice
One pleasant surprise last month came in the form of some comments on my blog. Sherry Weddell, whose radio interview first inspired me to discern my charisms, wrote some kind words, as did Kathleen Lundquist, who is also involved with the Sienna Institute. I was very happy to hear from them, even as I became more and more convinced that writing is most likely a passion of mine, but not a charismatic gift. Their contact encouraged me to continue with the discernment process, despite my slow progress.
I was also feeling better about my volunteer experiences. I had finally started working one-on-one with clients who needed help with their resumes and online job applications, and found it quite rewarding. I gained a great deal of insight into the plights of our clients, which made me even more thankful for my own cushy life. I only hoped my listening ears and meager help could bring them a little comfort, too.
But the most wonderful experience that befell me this fall was hearing the voice of God. I had been fascinated with this possibility ever since reading Dallas Willard’s book on the subject. In “Hearing God”, Willard mentions several ways that God communicates with people, from the dramatic visions and dreams, to more subtle revelations triggered by our own meditations and prayers. Willard speaks of the “still, small voice”, which he describes as “a gentle whispering … taking the form of thoughts that are our thoughts, though these thoughts are not from us.”
So one there I was in church one Sunday, and at the end of Mass, when I was least expecting anything out of the ordinary, I heard the still, small voice of God. I can’t really describe it, but I definitely knew from Whom it came. And interestingly, the message wasn’t any different than the one I’d heard more than a year earlier, when I was trying to decide whether or not to accept the early retirement offer. The message was “Reject the accumulation of wealth.”
Well, by retiring I had certainly done that, hadn’t I? So why was God telling me this now? Why wasn’t His message, “Don’t worry so much about money” or “Give more to the poor”?
All week long I pondered this message. Perhaps God was telling me that I had not rejected the accumulation of wealth just by quitting my job. I also had to give up the notion that savings we had put aside was what would see us through in our mid-life and retirement years. After more contemplation, I came to realize that it is not money that will see us through, but rather our faith in God. This, I believe, is the meaning of the words I heard in that still, small voice.
This sentiment echoed what my husband had expressed a few weeks earlier. In the wake of the stock market’s huge plummet, my past anxiety concerning our finances had resurfaced. Deep down, I was still feeling guilty about not working, and even though Terry had been very supportive, I wondered if maybe he didn’t regret my decision at times. But as we discussed the situation, I learned that this was not the case at all! In fact, Terry was quite pleased that I had been able to quit my stressful job and spend more time exploring my creative and spiritual sides. As we began to catalogue all the good things that had come about due to new lifestyle, we came to appreciate the benefits that money can’t buy.
Terry’s final admonition was that I needed to give him the job of “worrying” about money (he has always been the family’s chief financial officer, after all) and that I turn over all of my concerns about the future to the Lord. Of course, I had been trying to convince myself to do just that for more than a year. But now something was different. With the words I heard in a still, small voice, and with affirmation from my husband, something finally clicked. I was suddenly able to let go of my concern that I’d made a bad choice by retiring. I didn’t know what the future held, but I knew that God would give me the grace to deal with whatever might come.
At last I felt that the peace I had been asking for was truly granted. How else was I able to get through the constant reports of our failing economy without the anxiety that had plagued me earlier? Every day I was amazed to awaken with feelings of contentment, and often excitement about the future, despite the doom and gloom swirling around me.
As the first anniversary of my retirement drew near, I reviewed all I had gone through in the past year. I like to think that I performed a vital service for my mother-in-law in her time of need, and that my efforts with St. Vincent de Paul and the Helping Place were making a difference in the lives of the poor. But whether these things were true or not, I knew that my own faith had increased and that I had grown spiritually in so many ways, and those were worthwhile ends indeed.
I was also feeling better about my volunteer experiences. I had finally started working one-on-one with clients who needed help with their resumes and online job applications, and found it quite rewarding. I gained a great deal of insight into the plights of our clients, which made me even more thankful for my own cushy life. I only hoped my listening ears and meager help could bring them a little comfort, too.
But the most wonderful experience that befell me this fall was hearing the voice of God. I had been fascinated with this possibility ever since reading Dallas Willard’s book on the subject. In “Hearing God”, Willard mentions several ways that God communicates with people, from the dramatic visions and dreams, to more subtle revelations triggered by our own meditations and prayers. Willard speaks of the “still, small voice”, which he describes as “a gentle whispering … taking the form of thoughts that are our thoughts, though these thoughts are not from us.”
So one there I was in church one Sunday, and at the end of Mass, when I was least expecting anything out of the ordinary, I heard the still, small voice of God. I can’t really describe it, but I definitely knew from Whom it came. And interestingly, the message wasn’t any different than the one I’d heard more than a year earlier, when I was trying to decide whether or not to accept the early retirement offer. The message was “Reject the accumulation of wealth.”
Well, by retiring I had certainly done that, hadn’t I? So why was God telling me this now? Why wasn’t His message, “Don’t worry so much about money” or “Give more to the poor”?
All week long I pondered this message. Perhaps God was telling me that I had not rejected the accumulation of wealth just by quitting my job. I also had to give up the notion that savings we had put aside was what would see us through in our mid-life and retirement years. After more contemplation, I came to realize that it is not money that will see us through, but rather our faith in God. This, I believe, is the meaning of the words I heard in that still, small voice.
This sentiment echoed what my husband had expressed a few weeks earlier. In the wake of the stock market’s huge plummet, my past anxiety concerning our finances had resurfaced. Deep down, I was still feeling guilty about not working, and even though Terry had been very supportive, I wondered if maybe he didn’t regret my decision at times. But as we discussed the situation, I learned that this was not the case at all! In fact, Terry was quite pleased that I had been able to quit my stressful job and spend more time exploring my creative and spiritual sides. As we began to catalogue all the good things that had come about due to new lifestyle, we came to appreciate the benefits that money can’t buy.
Terry’s final admonition was that I needed to give him the job of “worrying” about money (he has always been the family’s chief financial officer, after all) and that I turn over all of my concerns about the future to the Lord. Of course, I had been trying to convince myself to do just that for more than a year. But now something was different. With the words I heard in a still, small voice, and with affirmation from my husband, something finally clicked. I was suddenly able to let go of my concern that I’d made a bad choice by retiring. I didn’t know what the future held, but I knew that God would give me the grace to deal with whatever might come.
At last I felt that the peace I had been asking for was truly granted. How else was I able to get through the constant reports of our failing economy without the anxiety that had plagued me earlier? Every day I was amazed to awaken with feelings of contentment, and often excitement about the future, despite the doom and gloom swirling around me.
As the first anniversary of my retirement drew near, I reviewed all I had gone through in the past year. I like to think that I performed a vital service for my mother-in-law in her time of need, and that my efforts with St. Vincent de Paul and the Helping Place were making a difference in the lives of the poor. But whether these things were true or not, I knew that my own faith had increased and that I had grown spiritually in so many ways, and those were worthwhile ends indeed.
Friday, November 28, 2008
October 2008 – Being in God’s Will
Reading the book ‘Hearing God’ by Dallas Willard helped put things in perspective for me. I was touched by the stories of people who had heard God’s voice, as well as by the frustration of those who did not have this experience, yet longed for it. It was comforting to know that I wasn’t the only person to have this yet unrealized yearning.
I cannot begin to impart all of the insight I gained from this inspirational book. One idea that hit home with me was that perhaps my motives to hear God’s voice, as with my desire to discern my charisms, were less than ideal. Willard stated that many people “seek to hear God solely as a device for securing their own safety, comfort and righteousness.” How familiar this sounded! I was indeed looking confirmation that my retirement decision had been a righteous one, and that, despite the loss of my salary, our financial situation would still provide us with safety, security and comfort.
Thus I began to re-examine my motives for going down my chosen spiritual path. I realized that my attempts at discernment and hearing God often resulted in feelings of failure or even desperation, and I knew I this was not the outcome God intended. I was determined to put that desperation aside, and to live in the present. I would continue to pray, read, discern, and engage in acts of service and mercy through my volunteer work, but if I did not garner any major revelations from my efforts, I would not lose faith. Most importantly, I would try to live the kind of life that would please God, or as Dallas Willard calls it, to “be in the will of God.”
Willard explains that “…being in the will of God is very far removed from just doing what God wants us to do—so far removed, in fact, that we can be solidly in the will of God, and be aware that we are, without know God’s preference with regard to various details of our lives.” So now my primary purpose was simply to live a Christ-like life to the best of my ability. I no longer needed to look for clues regarding the specific details of my existence, be they where to volunteer, what to study in school, where to look for part-time work, or how to embark on my next great mission from God. I just needed to be aware of the needs of those around me, and to listen to my heart. For I truly believed that God would speak to my heart when the time was right.
Even my attitude toward discerning my charisms had changed. I was no longer desperate to prove that I had a charism for writing or service, or for any other gift. I continued to engage in the pastimes I loved and found the most rewarding. This included volunteer work with the St. Vincent de Paul Society and the Helping Place, as well as my personal pleasures such as reading, writing, beading, and dancing. About once a week I evaluated my various undertakings against the three signs of a charism: personal joy, exceptional results, and recognition from others. Though none of my endeavors had yielded extraordinary results or more than a passing appreciation from others, I was finding great joy in all of them. With each new experience and each new person I met, I felt my life was being enriched and blessed. And through God’s grace, perhaps some of those blessings were returned to the people I sought to serve.
I cannot begin to impart all of the insight I gained from this inspirational book. One idea that hit home with me was that perhaps my motives to hear God’s voice, as with my desire to discern my charisms, were less than ideal. Willard stated that many people “seek to hear God solely as a device for securing their own safety, comfort and righteousness.” How familiar this sounded! I was indeed looking confirmation that my retirement decision had been a righteous one, and that, despite the loss of my salary, our financial situation would still provide us with safety, security and comfort.
Thus I began to re-examine my motives for going down my chosen spiritual path. I realized that my attempts at discernment and hearing God often resulted in feelings of failure or even desperation, and I knew I this was not the outcome God intended. I was determined to put that desperation aside, and to live in the present. I would continue to pray, read, discern, and engage in acts of service and mercy through my volunteer work, but if I did not garner any major revelations from my efforts, I would not lose faith. Most importantly, I would try to live the kind of life that would please God, or as Dallas Willard calls it, to “be in the will of God.”
Willard explains that “…being in the will of God is very far removed from just doing what God wants us to do—so far removed, in fact, that we can be solidly in the will of God, and be aware that we are, without know God’s preference with regard to various details of our lives.” So now my primary purpose was simply to live a Christ-like life to the best of my ability. I no longer needed to look for clues regarding the specific details of my existence, be they where to volunteer, what to study in school, where to look for part-time work, or how to embark on my next great mission from God. I just needed to be aware of the needs of those around me, and to listen to my heart. For I truly believed that God would speak to my heart when the time was right.
Even my attitude toward discerning my charisms had changed. I was no longer desperate to prove that I had a charism for writing or service, or for any other gift. I continued to engage in the pastimes I loved and found the most rewarding. This included volunteer work with the St. Vincent de Paul Society and the Helping Place, as well as my personal pleasures such as reading, writing, beading, and dancing. About once a week I evaluated my various undertakings against the three signs of a charism: personal joy, exceptional results, and recognition from others. Though none of my endeavors had yielded extraordinary results or more than a passing appreciation from others, I was finding great joy in all of them. With each new experience and each new person I met, I felt my life was being enriched and blessed. And through God’s grace, perhaps some of those blessings were returned to the people I sought to serve.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
September 2008 - The Joy of Writing
With my new goal of discerning my charisms, and determining my mission in the process, I decided to put off my plan of taking a college or enrichment class in the fall. I threw myself into writing my blog, along with a fiction project I had started earlier in the year. I also attended training at a non-profit agency I’ll call The Helping Place, where I was going to start assisting clients with their job applications, resumes, and cover letters. Initially, I would just do general counseling until people made specific appointments for resume help.
I was very excited about confirming that the Lord had called me to help others through my writing. In retrospect, I think this was important to me because I wanted to prove to myself that my decision to retire was wise and not foolish. If it was just financial security I wanted from life, then the decision was foolish, especially in light of the declining stock market. If my goal was to let the Lord work through me by using the gifts the Holy Spirit had endowed up me, then my decision was wise.
Though September had started out on a positive note, it was proving to be a major disappointment for me. First, I found that my blog drew absolutely no comments (the one I posted myself just to see how it works doesn’t count!). I didn’t want to send the link to friends and family, basically because I was rather embarrassed about my often pathetic whining. My hope was that others in the blogosphere would read it and get caught up in the suspense, wishing for me not to lose hope and to keep going on my quest. Perhaps some would be inspired by the steps I was taking to discern God’s plan, and would want to share their own experiences along the same path. Indeed, there may have been some who had read my blog and felt that way, but so far I had no reason to believe that this was the case.
I also started writing more e-mails to friends, and sent selected blogs to a few family members. The responses these drew were tepid at best. I was starting to get discouraged.
My experience at the Helping Place was also mixed. Though I enjoyed the counseling quite a bit, it had nothing to do with writing, and I still hadn’t been called upon to help anyone in the employment office. At this point, I decided that I would just continue to work as a general counselor, assisting clients obtain identification, providing emergency food and clothing, and offering referrals to other agencies. I felt that the services I was providing through the Helping Place and St. Vincent de Paul were very worthwhile, even if they didn’t confirm that I had a charism for writing, or any other charism, for that matter.
After posting several entries, I realized that I loved writing my blog, because it helped me think things through and learn more about myself. I definitely felt the joy that is supposed to accompany the use of one’s charism, though the other two signs, recognition of the gift from others and unusually effective results, were sorely lacking. Even so, I decided not to be hasty in judging whether or not I had the Writing charism. I knew that the audience for my blog was limited, and besides, most of my postings were more for my benefit than for others, which is contrary to the very nature of charisms. I also started testing for the presence of other charisms, especially Service and Encouragement. I continued to look for the three signs of a charism in all of my charitable acts, hoping for some clue as to how the Holy Spirit would work through me.
Still, it was hard to keep my faith from wavering. According to the Siena website, all baptized Christians are gifted with one of more charisms. But I was seeing no evidence that this was true in my life. Was I just deluding myself? Just as I had doubted that I’d been called by God to retire, I was beginning to doubt that charisms even existed, at least for me. In fact, I was starting to believe that God really didn’t interact with human beings at all! Yes, I still believed in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, but I was not so sure that I really had a relationship with Him. I wasn’t convinced that He really heard me, and despite my attempts to learn of His plan for me, discern what gifts He might have bestowed upon me, and learn how He wanted me to live by reading His word in the scriptures, I was certain that He was not speaking to me either. And then, in a box of religious books I’d put aside months ago, I ran across a book called “Hearing God”, and my journey took another twist.
I was very excited about confirming that the Lord had called me to help others through my writing. In retrospect, I think this was important to me because I wanted to prove to myself that my decision to retire was wise and not foolish. If it was just financial security I wanted from life, then the decision was foolish, especially in light of the declining stock market. If my goal was to let the Lord work through me by using the gifts the Holy Spirit had endowed up me, then my decision was wise.
Though September had started out on a positive note, it was proving to be a major disappointment for me. First, I found that my blog drew absolutely no comments (the one I posted myself just to see how it works doesn’t count!). I didn’t want to send the link to friends and family, basically because I was rather embarrassed about my often pathetic whining. My hope was that others in the blogosphere would read it and get caught up in the suspense, wishing for me not to lose hope and to keep going on my quest. Perhaps some would be inspired by the steps I was taking to discern God’s plan, and would want to share their own experiences along the same path. Indeed, there may have been some who had read my blog and felt that way, but so far I had no reason to believe that this was the case.
I also started writing more e-mails to friends, and sent selected blogs to a few family members. The responses these drew were tepid at best. I was starting to get discouraged.
My experience at the Helping Place was also mixed. Though I enjoyed the counseling quite a bit, it had nothing to do with writing, and I still hadn’t been called upon to help anyone in the employment office. At this point, I decided that I would just continue to work as a general counselor, assisting clients obtain identification, providing emergency food and clothing, and offering referrals to other agencies. I felt that the services I was providing through the Helping Place and St. Vincent de Paul were very worthwhile, even if they didn’t confirm that I had a charism for writing, or any other charism, for that matter.
After posting several entries, I realized that I loved writing my blog, because it helped me think things through and learn more about myself. I definitely felt the joy that is supposed to accompany the use of one’s charism, though the other two signs, recognition of the gift from others and unusually effective results, were sorely lacking. Even so, I decided not to be hasty in judging whether or not I had the Writing charism. I knew that the audience for my blog was limited, and besides, most of my postings were more for my benefit than for others, which is contrary to the very nature of charisms. I also started testing for the presence of other charisms, especially Service and Encouragement. I continued to look for the three signs of a charism in all of my charitable acts, hoping for some clue as to how the Holy Spirit would work through me.
Still, it was hard to keep my faith from wavering. According to the Siena website, all baptized Christians are gifted with one of more charisms. But I was seeing no evidence that this was true in my life. Was I just deluding myself? Just as I had doubted that I’d been called by God to retire, I was beginning to doubt that charisms even existed, at least for me. In fact, I was starting to believe that God really didn’t interact with human beings at all! Yes, I still believed in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, but I was not so sure that I really had a relationship with Him. I wasn’t convinced that He really heard me, and despite my attempts to learn of His plan for me, discern what gifts He might have bestowed upon me, and learn how He wanted me to live by reading His word in the scriptures, I was certain that He was not speaking to me either. And then, in a box of religious books I’d put aside months ago, I ran across a book called “Hearing God”, and my journey took another twist.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
July 2008 - The Discerning Retiree
July turned out to be quite a significant month for me. The first event was a family reunion to celebrate my mother-in-law’s 80th birthday. My sister-in-law in Colorado had first suggested the party a year ago, and everyone was excited that all of the siblings and cousins would be together for the first time in 17 years. As a local with a lot of time on my hands, I did most of the planning for the week’s festivities.
I would love to say that the reunion was a rousing success, but it was really more of a mixed bag. The main issue was that my mother-in-law’s health was still poor, and she just didn’t have the energy for all the commotion. There were a few times when she snapped, which were sad for everyone. It was a bit of a tightrope walk, because we didn’t want to exclude her from activities, while at the same time we didn’t want to exhaust her. Still, a couple of outings were real winners, especially our relaxing days at the lake. The best part was that family members got to reconnect; some younger cousins even got to know each for the first time. I think Mom really did appreciate the effort everyone made to honor her, but there was a bit of relief when her life got back to normal.
The day we dropped the last of the out-of-towners at the airport, Terry and I headed ‘Up North’, as we Michiganders say. We met three other couples at Petoskey State Park, right on Lake Michigan. The weather was perfect, the scenery gorgeous, and the company delightful. It was quite a contrast to the frantic pace of the reunion.
Driving home from Petoskey, we were listening to a Catholic radio station when I heard a program that hit me like a thunderbolt. Sherry Weddell of the Catherine of Sienna Institute was talking about spiritual gifts, also known as charisms. She spoke of the joy and fulfillment that Christians experience when they use these gifts to carry out God’s will. I don’t remember her exact words, but I’m sure they echoed the essentials I found at the organization’s website, www.siena.org, which I quote here: "Every lay man and woman has been called by Christ (in his or her baptism) to a unique mission, and every lay man and woman has been gifted by the Holy Spirit in order to be able to answer that call. These gifts of the Holy Spirit are both clues as to the nature of the mission for which God is preparing us and tools with which to successfully carry out our mission."
There was that word ‘mission’ again! I hadn't stopped pondering whether there was still something more the Lord wanted me to do throughout my busy spring and summer. Perhaps hearing this radio program was not just a coincidence! I was excited to learn that the Sienna Institute sponsors a ‘Called and Gifted’ workshop, which helps participants to discern their charisms. I couldn’t wait to get home to see if there was a Called and Gifted program in our area.
I devoured every word on the Siena website, feeling even more certain that the Lord did have a mission for me, and that once I discerned my charisms, I would be able use them in support of that mission. Unfortunately, I saw that that there were no Called and Gifted workshops being offered nearby. I decided that I would follow the program on my own by using the discernment materials suggested on the website. I put in my order, and was thrilled when my package arrived a few days later.
My first step in the discernment process was to complete the Spiritual Gifts Inventory. This involved ranking 120 statements on a scale from 0 – 3, where 0 indicates that the statement never applies to me, and 3 means that it often applies. The instructions stated that one should not rank the statements based on what we want to be true or think should be true, but by what has actually happened in our lives thus far. High scores on a particular charism don’t necessarily mean that the gift is present, but that it is a possibility for further exploration.
After completing the inventory, I identified the charisms that had the highest ratings for me. They were: Writing, Service, Music, Encouragement, Faith, and Administration. I was not at all surprised that Writing scored so high, since it has long been one of my favorite pastimes. I have kept a journal for years, and even consider it a form of prayer. It also fit perfectly with my latest idea for volunteer work, helping the unemployed create resumes and cover letters at a local non-profit organization. I had already contacted the agency about doing this, and I was set to attend training in September. Things were definitely falling into place!
The next step was to conduct some experiments to test whether my love of writing was simply a talent and interest of mine, or if it was a spiritual gift. The Discerning Charisms workbook makes a big distinction between the two. Natural talents can be inherited and are independent of God’s grace; they can be used for our own personal good, or even for evil. On the other hand, charisms are supernaturally endowed; they are directly connected to our relationship with God, are dependent upon His grace, and can only be used to serve God’s purpose; they are meant to be ‘given away’ for the benefit of others, not to meet our own needs.
Now I set about listing the steps I would take to discern whether or not I had the Writing charism. I needed to look for the following signs to confirm that this was the case: 1) I would experience an unmistakable sense of joy, peace and energy when using my gift of writing; 2) The results of my writing would be unusually effective and successful in what I was trying to accomplish; 3) I would receive direct or indirect recognition of the gift’s presence from others.
But what experiment would I use to test this out? I wasn’t going to start helping others with their resumes for another month, and I was eager to confirm that the Lord was calling me to use my writing skills to touch the lives of others. I needed something immediate to assess whether the charism of Writing had been bestowed upon me. After much thought, I came up with an idea. And that is how this blog began.
I would love to say that the reunion was a rousing success, but it was really more of a mixed bag. The main issue was that my mother-in-law’s health was still poor, and she just didn’t have the energy for all the commotion. There were a few times when she snapped, which were sad for everyone. It was a bit of a tightrope walk, because we didn’t want to exclude her from activities, while at the same time we didn’t want to exhaust her. Still, a couple of outings were real winners, especially our relaxing days at the lake. The best part was that family members got to reconnect; some younger cousins even got to know each for the first time. I think Mom really did appreciate the effort everyone made to honor her, but there was a bit of relief when her life got back to normal.
The day we dropped the last of the out-of-towners at the airport, Terry and I headed ‘Up North’, as we Michiganders say. We met three other couples at Petoskey State Park, right on Lake Michigan. The weather was perfect, the scenery gorgeous, and the company delightful. It was quite a contrast to the frantic pace of the reunion.
Driving home from Petoskey, we were listening to a Catholic radio station when I heard a program that hit me like a thunderbolt. Sherry Weddell of the Catherine of Sienna Institute was talking about spiritual gifts, also known as charisms. She spoke of the joy and fulfillment that Christians experience when they use these gifts to carry out God’s will. I don’t remember her exact words, but I’m sure they echoed the essentials I found at the organization’s website, www.siena.org, which I quote here: "Every lay man and woman has been called by Christ (in his or her baptism) to a unique mission, and every lay man and woman has been gifted by the Holy Spirit in order to be able to answer that call. These gifts of the Holy Spirit are both clues as to the nature of the mission for which God is preparing us and tools with which to successfully carry out our mission."
There was that word ‘mission’ again! I hadn't stopped pondering whether there was still something more the Lord wanted me to do throughout my busy spring and summer. Perhaps hearing this radio program was not just a coincidence! I was excited to learn that the Sienna Institute sponsors a ‘Called and Gifted’ workshop, which helps participants to discern their charisms. I couldn’t wait to get home to see if there was a Called and Gifted program in our area.
I devoured every word on the Siena website, feeling even more certain that the Lord did have a mission for me, and that once I discerned my charisms, I would be able use them in support of that mission. Unfortunately, I saw that that there were no Called and Gifted workshops being offered nearby. I decided that I would follow the program on my own by using the discernment materials suggested on the website. I put in my order, and was thrilled when my package arrived a few days later.
My first step in the discernment process was to complete the Spiritual Gifts Inventory. This involved ranking 120 statements on a scale from 0 – 3, where 0 indicates that the statement never applies to me, and 3 means that it often applies. The instructions stated that one should not rank the statements based on what we want to be true or think should be true, but by what has actually happened in our lives thus far. High scores on a particular charism don’t necessarily mean that the gift is present, but that it is a possibility for further exploration.
After completing the inventory, I identified the charisms that had the highest ratings for me. They were: Writing, Service, Music, Encouragement, Faith, and Administration. I was not at all surprised that Writing scored so high, since it has long been one of my favorite pastimes. I have kept a journal for years, and even consider it a form of prayer. It also fit perfectly with my latest idea for volunteer work, helping the unemployed create resumes and cover letters at a local non-profit organization. I had already contacted the agency about doing this, and I was set to attend training in September. Things were definitely falling into place!
The next step was to conduct some experiments to test whether my love of writing was simply a talent and interest of mine, or if it was a spiritual gift. The Discerning Charisms workbook makes a big distinction between the two. Natural talents can be inherited and are independent of God’s grace; they can be used for our own personal good, or even for evil. On the other hand, charisms are supernaturally endowed; they are directly connected to our relationship with God, are dependent upon His grace, and can only be used to serve God’s purpose; they are meant to be ‘given away’ for the benefit of others, not to meet our own needs.
Now I set about listing the steps I would take to discern whether or not I had the Writing charism. I needed to look for the following signs to confirm that this was the case: 1) I would experience an unmistakable sense of joy, peace and energy when using my gift of writing; 2) The results of my writing would be unusually effective and successful in what I was trying to accomplish; 3) I would receive direct or indirect recognition of the gift’s presence from others.
But what experiment would I use to test this out? I wasn’t going to start helping others with their resumes for another month, and I was eager to confirm that the Lord was calling me to use my writing skills to touch the lives of others. I needed something immediate to assess whether the charism of Writing had been bestowed upon me. After much thought, I came up with an idea. And that is how this blog began.
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