When I first heard about charisms, I thought that by now I’d have discerned the spiritual gifts that would allow the Holy Spirit to work through me. Then, I was certain, I would find the happiness and fulfillment I was seeking. But even though I can’t say that I have the gift of writing, service, teaching, or any of the other charisms I’ve tested, I find that I really have achieved a level of happiness and fulfillment that fills my heart with joy. This joy comes directly from my relationship with the Lord. It doesn’t come from any of the volunteer work, part-time jobs, or hobbies I’ve pursued over the past year and a half; it comes from spending quiet time each day praying and listening to God.
Even though the Praying with Scriptures group has ended, I continue to follow the Ignatian method of scripture meditation. And lo and behold, I have discovered that I really do have a mission, though a very basic one: my ‘mission’ is simply to deepen my personal relationship with God, to spend time with Him each and every day, and to make Him the number one priority in my life. This has been made very clear to me as I read, reflect, and reaction to each scriptural passage I contemplate. I have no doubt whatsoever that this is what the Lord intends for me to do.
So in one sense, I am ‘there’: I have discerned my retirement mission, and I continue to grow deeper in faith and in love with my Lord. And yet I am not ‘there’, because every day, more is revealed to me about God’s love, what it means to walk in the spirit, and what God’s presence in my life means to me. And though I cannot fathom what new joys and graces the Lord has in store for me, I know that they will become manifest in His time. For I know that “no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.” (1 Corinthians 2:8-10)
In addition to praying daily, I have been doing a lot of web-surfing and reading on spirituality. I’ve discovered a wonderful gem of a book called ‘Awareness’, by Father Anthony de Mello. One of his stories is particularly relevant to me, and I quote it here in its entirety:
There’s a story of a disciple who told his guru that he was going to a far place to meditate and hopefully gain enlightenment. So he sent the guru a report every six months to report the progress he was making. The first report said, “Now I understand what it means to lose the self.” The guru tore up the note and threw it in the wastepaper basket. After six months he got another report, which said, “Now I have attained sensitivity to all beings.” He tore it up. Then a third report said, “Now I understand the secret of the one and the many.” It too was torn up. And so it went on for years, until finally no reports came in. After a time the guru became curious and one day there was a traveler going to that far place. The guru said, “Why don’t you find out what happened to that fellow.” Finally he got a note from his disciple. It said, “What does it matter?” And when the guru read that, he said, “He made it! He made it! He finally got it! He got it!” (Awareness, Anthony de Mello, Doubleday, 1990, page 94-95)
Some day, I hope that I too can say “What does it matter?” when I evaluate the paths I’ve taken on my spiritual trek. And although I realize that I have not yet attained enlightenment, nor have I reached the end of my journey, I have certainly come to a comfortable rest stop. And I have to say that from this vantage point, the vista stretching out before me is absolutely breathtaking.
