Reading the book ‘Hearing God’ by Dallas Willard helped put things in perspective for me. I was touched by the stories of people who had heard God’s voice, as well as by the frustration of those who did not have this experience, yet longed for it. It was comforting to know that I wasn’t the only person to have this yet unrealized yearning.
I cannot begin to impart all of the insight I gained from this inspirational book. One idea that hit home with me was that perhaps my motives to hear God’s voice, as with my desire to discern my charisms, were less than ideal. Willard stated that many people “seek to hear God solely as a device for securing their own safety, comfort and righteousness.” How familiar this sounded! I was indeed looking confirmation that my retirement decision had been a righteous one, and that, despite the loss of my salary, our financial situation would still provide us with safety, security and comfort.
Thus I began to re-examine my motives for going down my chosen spiritual path. I realized that my attempts at discernment and hearing God often resulted in feelings of failure or even desperation, and I knew I this was not the outcome God intended. I was determined to put that desperation aside, and to live in the present. I would continue to pray, read, discern, and engage in acts of service and mercy through my volunteer work, but if I did not garner any major revelations from my efforts, I would not lose faith. Most importantly, I would try to live the kind of life that would please God, or as Dallas Willard calls it, to “be in the will of God.”
Willard explains that “…being in the will of God is very far removed from just doing what God wants us to do—so far removed, in fact, that we can be solidly in the will of God, and be aware that we are, without know God’s preference with regard to various details of our lives.” So now my primary purpose was simply to live a Christ-like life to the best of my ability. I no longer needed to look for clues regarding the specific details of my existence, be they where to volunteer, what to study in school, where to look for part-time work, or how to embark on my next great mission from God. I just needed to be aware of the needs of those around me, and to listen to my heart. For I truly believed that God would speak to my heart when the time was right.
Even my attitude toward discerning my charisms had changed. I was no longer desperate to prove that I had a charism for writing or service, or for any other gift. I continued to engage in the pastimes I loved and found the most rewarding. This included volunteer work with the St. Vincent de Paul Society and the Helping Place, as well as my personal pleasures such as reading, writing, beading, and dancing. About once a week I evaluated my various undertakings against the three signs of a charism: personal joy, exceptional results, and recognition from others. Though none of my endeavors had yielded extraordinary results or more than a passing appreciation from others, I was finding great joy in all of them. With each new experience and each new person I met, I felt my life was being enriched and blessed. And through God’s grace, perhaps some of those blessings were returned to the people I sought to serve.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
September 2008 - The Joy of Writing
With my new goal of discerning my charisms, and determining my mission in the process, I decided to put off my plan of taking a college or enrichment class in the fall. I threw myself into writing my blog, along with a fiction project I had started earlier in the year. I also attended training at a non-profit agency I’ll call The Helping Place, where I was going to start assisting clients with their job applications, resumes, and cover letters. Initially, I would just do general counseling until people made specific appointments for resume help.
I was very excited about confirming that the Lord had called me to help others through my writing. In retrospect, I think this was important to me because I wanted to prove to myself that my decision to retire was wise and not foolish. If it was just financial security I wanted from life, then the decision was foolish, especially in light of the declining stock market. If my goal was to let the Lord work through me by using the gifts the Holy Spirit had endowed up me, then my decision was wise.
Though September had started out on a positive note, it was proving to be a major disappointment for me. First, I found that my blog drew absolutely no comments (the one I posted myself just to see how it works doesn’t count!). I didn’t want to send the link to friends and family, basically because I was rather embarrassed about my often pathetic whining. My hope was that others in the blogosphere would read it and get caught up in the suspense, wishing for me not to lose hope and to keep going on my quest. Perhaps some would be inspired by the steps I was taking to discern God’s plan, and would want to share their own experiences along the same path. Indeed, there may have been some who had read my blog and felt that way, but so far I had no reason to believe that this was the case.
I also started writing more e-mails to friends, and sent selected blogs to a few family members. The responses these drew were tepid at best. I was starting to get discouraged.
My experience at the Helping Place was also mixed. Though I enjoyed the counseling quite a bit, it had nothing to do with writing, and I still hadn’t been called upon to help anyone in the employment office. At this point, I decided that I would just continue to work as a general counselor, assisting clients obtain identification, providing emergency food and clothing, and offering referrals to other agencies. I felt that the services I was providing through the Helping Place and St. Vincent de Paul were very worthwhile, even if they didn’t confirm that I had a charism for writing, or any other charism, for that matter.
After posting several entries, I realized that I loved writing my blog, because it helped me think things through and learn more about myself. I definitely felt the joy that is supposed to accompany the use of one’s charism, though the other two signs, recognition of the gift from others and unusually effective results, were sorely lacking. Even so, I decided not to be hasty in judging whether or not I had the Writing charism. I knew that the audience for my blog was limited, and besides, most of my postings were more for my benefit than for others, which is contrary to the very nature of charisms. I also started testing for the presence of other charisms, especially Service and Encouragement. I continued to look for the three signs of a charism in all of my charitable acts, hoping for some clue as to how the Holy Spirit would work through me.
Still, it was hard to keep my faith from wavering. According to the Siena website, all baptized Christians are gifted with one of more charisms. But I was seeing no evidence that this was true in my life. Was I just deluding myself? Just as I had doubted that I’d been called by God to retire, I was beginning to doubt that charisms even existed, at least for me. In fact, I was starting to believe that God really didn’t interact with human beings at all! Yes, I still believed in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, but I was not so sure that I really had a relationship with Him. I wasn’t convinced that He really heard me, and despite my attempts to learn of His plan for me, discern what gifts He might have bestowed upon me, and learn how He wanted me to live by reading His word in the scriptures, I was certain that He was not speaking to me either. And then, in a box of religious books I’d put aside months ago, I ran across a book called “Hearing God”, and my journey took another twist.
I was very excited about confirming that the Lord had called me to help others through my writing. In retrospect, I think this was important to me because I wanted to prove to myself that my decision to retire was wise and not foolish. If it was just financial security I wanted from life, then the decision was foolish, especially in light of the declining stock market. If my goal was to let the Lord work through me by using the gifts the Holy Spirit had endowed up me, then my decision was wise.
Though September had started out on a positive note, it was proving to be a major disappointment for me. First, I found that my blog drew absolutely no comments (the one I posted myself just to see how it works doesn’t count!). I didn’t want to send the link to friends and family, basically because I was rather embarrassed about my often pathetic whining. My hope was that others in the blogosphere would read it and get caught up in the suspense, wishing for me not to lose hope and to keep going on my quest. Perhaps some would be inspired by the steps I was taking to discern God’s plan, and would want to share their own experiences along the same path. Indeed, there may have been some who had read my blog and felt that way, but so far I had no reason to believe that this was the case.
I also started writing more e-mails to friends, and sent selected blogs to a few family members. The responses these drew were tepid at best. I was starting to get discouraged.
My experience at the Helping Place was also mixed. Though I enjoyed the counseling quite a bit, it had nothing to do with writing, and I still hadn’t been called upon to help anyone in the employment office. At this point, I decided that I would just continue to work as a general counselor, assisting clients obtain identification, providing emergency food and clothing, and offering referrals to other agencies. I felt that the services I was providing through the Helping Place and St. Vincent de Paul were very worthwhile, even if they didn’t confirm that I had a charism for writing, or any other charism, for that matter.
After posting several entries, I realized that I loved writing my blog, because it helped me think things through and learn more about myself. I definitely felt the joy that is supposed to accompany the use of one’s charism, though the other two signs, recognition of the gift from others and unusually effective results, were sorely lacking. Even so, I decided not to be hasty in judging whether or not I had the Writing charism. I knew that the audience for my blog was limited, and besides, most of my postings were more for my benefit than for others, which is contrary to the very nature of charisms. I also started testing for the presence of other charisms, especially Service and Encouragement. I continued to look for the three signs of a charism in all of my charitable acts, hoping for some clue as to how the Holy Spirit would work through me.
Still, it was hard to keep my faith from wavering. According to the Siena website, all baptized Christians are gifted with one of more charisms. But I was seeing no evidence that this was true in my life. Was I just deluding myself? Just as I had doubted that I’d been called by God to retire, I was beginning to doubt that charisms even existed, at least for me. In fact, I was starting to believe that God really didn’t interact with human beings at all! Yes, I still believed in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, but I was not so sure that I really had a relationship with Him. I wasn’t convinced that He really heard me, and despite my attempts to learn of His plan for me, discern what gifts He might have bestowed upon me, and learn how He wanted me to live by reading His word in the scriptures, I was certain that He was not speaking to me either. And then, in a box of religious books I’d put aside months ago, I ran across a book called “Hearing God”, and my journey took another twist.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
July 2008 - The Discerning Retiree
July turned out to be quite a significant month for me. The first event was a family reunion to celebrate my mother-in-law’s 80th birthday. My sister-in-law in Colorado had first suggested the party a year ago, and everyone was excited that all of the siblings and cousins would be together for the first time in 17 years. As a local with a lot of time on my hands, I did most of the planning for the week’s festivities.
I would love to say that the reunion was a rousing success, but it was really more of a mixed bag. The main issue was that my mother-in-law’s health was still poor, and she just didn’t have the energy for all the commotion. There were a few times when she snapped, which were sad for everyone. It was a bit of a tightrope walk, because we didn’t want to exclude her from activities, while at the same time we didn’t want to exhaust her. Still, a couple of outings were real winners, especially our relaxing days at the lake. The best part was that family members got to reconnect; some younger cousins even got to know each for the first time. I think Mom really did appreciate the effort everyone made to honor her, but there was a bit of relief when her life got back to normal.
The day we dropped the last of the out-of-towners at the airport, Terry and I headed ‘Up North’, as we Michiganders say. We met three other couples at Petoskey State Park, right on Lake Michigan. The weather was perfect, the scenery gorgeous, and the company delightful. It was quite a contrast to the frantic pace of the reunion.
Driving home from Petoskey, we were listening to a Catholic radio station when I heard a program that hit me like a thunderbolt. Sherry Weddell of the Catherine of Sienna Institute was talking about spiritual gifts, also known as charisms. She spoke of the joy and fulfillment that Christians experience when they use these gifts to carry out God’s will. I don’t remember her exact words, but I’m sure they echoed the essentials I found at the organization’s website, www.siena.org, which I quote here: "Every lay man and woman has been called by Christ (in his or her baptism) to a unique mission, and every lay man and woman has been gifted by the Holy Spirit in order to be able to answer that call. These gifts of the Holy Spirit are both clues as to the nature of the mission for which God is preparing us and tools with which to successfully carry out our mission."
There was that word ‘mission’ again! I hadn't stopped pondering whether there was still something more the Lord wanted me to do throughout my busy spring and summer. Perhaps hearing this radio program was not just a coincidence! I was excited to learn that the Sienna Institute sponsors a ‘Called and Gifted’ workshop, which helps participants to discern their charisms. I couldn’t wait to get home to see if there was a Called and Gifted program in our area.
I devoured every word on the Siena website, feeling even more certain that the Lord did have a mission for me, and that once I discerned my charisms, I would be able use them in support of that mission. Unfortunately, I saw that that there were no Called and Gifted workshops being offered nearby. I decided that I would follow the program on my own by using the discernment materials suggested on the website. I put in my order, and was thrilled when my package arrived a few days later.
My first step in the discernment process was to complete the Spiritual Gifts Inventory. This involved ranking 120 statements on a scale from 0 – 3, where 0 indicates that the statement never applies to me, and 3 means that it often applies. The instructions stated that one should not rank the statements based on what we want to be true or think should be true, but by what has actually happened in our lives thus far. High scores on a particular charism don’t necessarily mean that the gift is present, but that it is a possibility for further exploration.
After completing the inventory, I identified the charisms that had the highest ratings for me. They were: Writing, Service, Music, Encouragement, Faith, and Administration. I was not at all surprised that Writing scored so high, since it has long been one of my favorite pastimes. I have kept a journal for years, and even consider it a form of prayer. It also fit perfectly with my latest idea for volunteer work, helping the unemployed create resumes and cover letters at a local non-profit organization. I had already contacted the agency about doing this, and I was set to attend training in September. Things were definitely falling into place!
The next step was to conduct some experiments to test whether my love of writing was simply a talent and interest of mine, or if it was a spiritual gift. The Discerning Charisms workbook makes a big distinction between the two. Natural talents can be inherited and are independent of God’s grace; they can be used for our own personal good, or even for evil. On the other hand, charisms are supernaturally endowed; they are directly connected to our relationship with God, are dependent upon His grace, and can only be used to serve God’s purpose; they are meant to be ‘given away’ for the benefit of others, not to meet our own needs.
Now I set about listing the steps I would take to discern whether or not I had the Writing charism. I needed to look for the following signs to confirm that this was the case: 1) I would experience an unmistakable sense of joy, peace and energy when using my gift of writing; 2) The results of my writing would be unusually effective and successful in what I was trying to accomplish; 3) I would receive direct or indirect recognition of the gift’s presence from others.
But what experiment would I use to test this out? I wasn’t going to start helping others with their resumes for another month, and I was eager to confirm that the Lord was calling me to use my writing skills to touch the lives of others. I needed something immediate to assess whether the charism of Writing had been bestowed upon me. After much thought, I came up with an idea. And that is how this blog began.
I would love to say that the reunion was a rousing success, but it was really more of a mixed bag. The main issue was that my mother-in-law’s health was still poor, and she just didn’t have the energy for all the commotion. There were a few times when she snapped, which were sad for everyone. It was a bit of a tightrope walk, because we didn’t want to exclude her from activities, while at the same time we didn’t want to exhaust her. Still, a couple of outings were real winners, especially our relaxing days at the lake. The best part was that family members got to reconnect; some younger cousins even got to know each for the first time. I think Mom really did appreciate the effort everyone made to honor her, but there was a bit of relief when her life got back to normal.
The day we dropped the last of the out-of-towners at the airport, Terry and I headed ‘Up North’, as we Michiganders say. We met three other couples at Petoskey State Park, right on Lake Michigan. The weather was perfect, the scenery gorgeous, and the company delightful. It was quite a contrast to the frantic pace of the reunion.
Driving home from Petoskey, we were listening to a Catholic radio station when I heard a program that hit me like a thunderbolt. Sherry Weddell of the Catherine of Sienna Institute was talking about spiritual gifts, also known as charisms. She spoke of the joy and fulfillment that Christians experience when they use these gifts to carry out God’s will. I don’t remember her exact words, but I’m sure they echoed the essentials I found at the organization’s website, www.siena.org, which I quote here: "Every lay man and woman has been called by Christ (in his or her baptism) to a unique mission, and every lay man and woman has been gifted by the Holy Spirit in order to be able to answer that call. These gifts of the Holy Spirit are both clues as to the nature of the mission for which God is preparing us and tools with which to successfully carry out our mission."
There was that word ‘mission’ again! I hadn't stopped pondering whether there was still something more the Lord wanted me to do throughout my busy spring and summer. Perhaps hearing this radio program was not just a coincidence! I was excited to learn that the Sienna Institute sponsors a ‘Called and Gifted’ workshop, which helps participants to discern their charisms. I couldn’t wait to get home to see if there was a Called and Gifted program in our area.
I devoured every word on the Siena website, feeling even more certain that the Lord did have a mission for me, and that once I discerned my charisms, I would be able use them in support of that mission. Unfortunately, I saw that that there were no Called and Gifted workshops being offered nearby. I decided that I would follow the program on my own by using the discernment materials suggested on the website. I put in my order, and was thrilled when my package arrived a few days later.
My first step in the discernment process was to complete the Spiritual Gifts Inventory. This involved ranking 120 statements on a scale from 0 – 3, where 0 indicates that the statement never applies to me, and 3 means that it often applies. The instructions stated that one should not rank the statements based on what we want to be true or think should be true, but by what has actually happened in our lives thus far. High scores on a particular charism don’t necessarily mean that the gift is present, but that it is a possibility for further exploration.
After completing the inventory, I identified the charisms that had the highest ratings for me. They were: Writing, Service, Music, Encouragement, Faith, and Administration. I was not at all surprised that Writing scored so high, since it has long been one of my favorite pastimes. I have kept a journal for years, and even consider it a form of prayer. It also fit perfectly with my latest idea for volunteer work, helping the unemployed create resumes and cover letters at a local non-profit organization. I had already contacted the agency about doing this, and I was set to attend training in September. Things were definitely falling into place!
The next step was to conduct some experiments to test whether my love of writing was simply a talent and interest of mine, or if it was a spiritual gift. The Discerning Charisms workbook makes a big distinction between the two. Natural talents can be inherited and are independent of God’s grace; they can be used for our own personal good, or even for evil. On the other hand, charisms are supernaturally endowed; they are directly connected to our relationship with God, are dependent upon His grace, and can only be used to serve God’s purpose; they are meant to be ‘given away’ for the benefit of others, not to meet our own needs.
Now I set about listing the steps I would take to discern whether or not I had the Writing charism. I needed to look for the following signs to confirm that this was the case: 1) I would experience an unmistakable sense of joy, peace and energy when using my gift of writing; 2) The results of my writing would be unusually effective and successful in what I was trying to accomplish; 3) I would receive direct or indirect recognition of the gift’s presence from others.
But what experiment would I use to test this out? I wasn’t going to start helping others with their resumes for another month, and I was eager to confirm that the Lord was calling me to use my writing skills to touch the lives of others. I needed something immediate to assess whether the charism of Writing had been bestowed upon me. After much thought, I came up with an idea. And that is how this blog began.
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